Fran has been pretty Ikea-crazy since the store opened in our area last year, but lately things have been getting out of hand. I'm starting to find bizarre knick-knacks around the house and am starting to resent the Swedish influence.
I open the door to our pantry and there's a roll of Swedish cookies. A pencil-thin bamboo shoot rising out of a test-tube looking vase on our kitchen counter, someone's idea of decoration. My new alarm clock has all these wacky functions which are activated according to its orientation-one side up means the temperature is displayed; another side is the current time, another conveniently freezes time in the universe indefinitely so I can catch up on Emails. All of these functions have crazy, indecipherable icons. But it only cost $8.
Our gameroom chair was inflated with a hair dryer.
There is some poor Swedish engineer named Thor Pendragonssson locked in a sensory isolation chamber. The door swings open, and a guy in a cleanroom suit brings in an article of decoration or function.
"Thor, Ikeaify this, immediately, or I shall beat you." He lays the item on a desk composed of a single slab or particle board suspended from the ceiling, just because it can be, then turns and walks out.
Thor picks it up, takes the familiar object, and turns it funky and unconventional in every possible way. Then it's off to marketing where they give it some overtly Swedish-sounding name (my favorite is the unfortunately named "DIKTAD" line of children's furniture).
So I wasn't too shocked when I opened the closet to see the most retarded-looking hangers ever. I mean, come on, Thor, did the clothes hanger really need to be redesigned? Was there something just calling out for improvement? Did we really need thicker, squattier-looking devices? I'm embarrassed to put my clothes on them (plus, they don't work as well as "normal" hangers).
So, I had to finally say something: "Honey, what in the hell are these things?"
"What?"
"These things right here next to the hangers."
"Those are hangers."
"No, these weird white things."
"You don't have to be THAT way about them--they're only 40 cents each!"
"Yeah, but I really like the non-goofy type of hanger--how much do those cost?"
"Who cares what a hanger looks like?"
"Uh, I guess it's no big deal. But I'm starting to hate that Thor guy."
11 comments:
Okay, I had told Gar that the next time we were up there visiting you guys that I would like to go by the Ikea. Having second thoughts now....think I know why we don't have them out here. I don't think the decor would complement the trailer or the boots...
Ha ha! I think you get in a zone in that store--things look good there, but when you get them home, you think: "Why did I get that?"
hahahahah! The only ONLY thing I like at Ikea is their sweedish restaurant. damn those hot-dogs is good...man I can back forever to Ikea. but the stuff there is like freakin expensive, very much above the life style of most Malaysians. No wonder they only have 1 store here.
I warned you about that place! The possibility of return visits, the surity of filling your home with inexpensive but transiant objects designed to crumble in the next ten years!
Alas. I think Fran has fallen.
Damn its siren call.
Hi Stormfilled:
Fran is definitely lost.
My friend, Anon, and I were discussing a phenomenon he detected. Apparently, feedback from England regarding Ikea is much harsher than elsewhere (people from US like it). Any insight? It just seemed very inconvenient from your description...
I want to help. Really. Stormfilled, you seem to know the dark side of Ikea - what can be done?
Are there marks to find - two small punctures to the neck? Loss of looking-glass image? Recitation of the Apocrypha whilst at the grocer's?
What is the treatment? Tincture of Swedebane? Incantations of Linnean lambaste?
Please, Stormfilled, guide us from this plague come lately to our shores!
:)
It's an addiction, it really is. The only solution is total withdrawal, don't look at the catalogues, don't ask friends where their quirkily designed new coffee table came from, and for heaven's sake, don't visit! You're doomed to spend all of your money on things that you really don't need, but have suddenly realised that you could 'really do with'. I don't think it's the show rooms themselves that are the problem, it's the warehouse section full of small and curiously affordable nick-nacks. Note the size of the bags they give you to carry round. They KNOW.
The dangerous thing about IKEA addiction is that it barely shows, it's strictly behind closed doors. Perfect normal looking people are living in SVARDIG inspired houses, and become confused when items are not accompanied by a nine digit code. Look for people with inconveniently small pencils. It's the only outward sign.
The difficulty with IKEA in England is that we love it. Before its arrival we had two choices of furniture. Old and expensive, or made from plastic coated chip board (I think you guys call it particle board?). The Brits go nuts for it. There was a stampeed when the new one opened in London. http://business.guardian.co.uk/story/0,3604,1409738,00.html But of course, being an addiction, it has to be denied and frowned upon. Those of us who have tried it a few times swear never again, but we know we'll go back eventually. And they know too. That's why they're waiting, with the giant bags and the tiny pencils.
Oh yes, they're waiting...
That link posted wrong...
http://business.guardian.co.uk/story/0,3604,1409738,00.html
They knew. As they did in Saudi Arabia!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3618190.stm
Damn, it did it again. It's a cover up! They're trying to smother the truth!
Be afraid!!!
Be VERY afraid!!!!!
Yes, Stormfilled, the pencils, the bags.... I expect to see enormous bubbles chasing down errant shoppers any day now...
There's one more thing you should do...go to the ikea website and look up the names of these precious items...it's almost better than the things themselves. Crazy Sweeds.
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