Loaded for Bear

I am now the proud owner of a can of bear spray, and the recipient of a lecture from a dude at Outdoor World whose uniform was adorned with 37 pieces of flair--everything except the Mork and Mindy suspenders. He leaned over the counter and admonished me with the sober, country twang "Fella, if ya end up using this baby, somethin's gone really wrong on ya!"

I was trying to take Ryan on a short backpacking trip in Oklahoma--I had it all planned. Then the training from my childhood kicked in: anticipate Armageddon. This is why my dad's backpack always weighed 60 lbs.

"But dad, do we need both a saw AND an axe?"

"If the sawblade breaks, then what are you going to do?"

"Uh, I dunno--usually there's plenty of firewood on the ground that can be gathered. Maybe we don't need either..."

"Yeah, you go ahead with that idea, mister, and you'll freeze to death!"

"Uh, okay. Let's just bring them both."

"And make sure you pack the axe facing outward, away from your back. That way, if you fall backwards it won't chop a hole in your back."

"Well, at least we have the field surgical kit."

Seriously we would bring lots of stuff that I would never consider bringing now. But this was going to be Ryan's first night camping, added to the fact that we would be backpacking away from the car, and that it was just going to be him and me.

My mind started to work overtime--hence, the purchase of bear spray. I just thought to myself "You know, we could be completely vulnerable, and I would be helpless if someone or some animal threatened us in any way. What am I going to do, throw a S'more at it?"

Nicole told me about something called a bear banger which is a bullet mounted in a sawed-off wire coat hanger that guys typically carry in bear country. This sounds a lot like something that Ryan would throw into the fire to see what it does.

Of course, there is the option of carrying a pistol. I don't have one, but could easily put my hands on one. I remember that when I was in scouts I was shocked to learn that one of the adults carried a small, chrome, 25mm automatic "Lady from Bristol". He also smoke a pipe, ate kippers on the trail, and listened to Credence Clearwater Revival--I think he had a James Bond fantasy that he was living out.

Flipping through the trail guide before we left, I ran across a scenic stop in the mountains which was recommended to stop and admire. It was a 150-year-old mountain cemetery. According to legend, it was started when a young girl was chased by wolves out into the woods and into a tree, where she stayed and froze to death. Great.

On the next page "Black bear sightings are extremely rare on the trail, but have become increasingly more common in (the area where we are planning to go). Although these bears are not the aggressive grizzlys, and typically try to run away when encountered, they are as large as a human and can be dangerous when cornered. My advice is, if you run into one, make plenty of noise to let him know you are there. If the bear doesn't go away, you're on your own-Good Luck."

Gee, thanks for the helpful pointer...Then there is the slippery-slope, Armageddon-style thinking about how to carry the bear spray. According to Mr. Flair, it should always be accessible when in bear country. It comes with a convenient belt strap, which is essentially the backpacking equivalent of a pocket protector. Hey, I guess I could just carry it in my hand the whole time--no, I'll probably just stick it in the velcro'd outside pocket of my backpack and forget about it.

Lastly, it also didn't help that Deliverance came on TV the other day. And whenever I think of Southeastern Oklahoma, I remember a friend of mine who could really squeal exactly like a pig--I'm not sure why or how he learned that, but it was pretty impressive.

Alas, despite my mental gymnastics over preparing for the trip, the whole thing fell through at the last minute, and we decided not to go--over the weekend, this region was pounded with rain--up to 10 inches in some areas near me (!). We did indoor stuff like bowling and laser tag and reading books. If we had gone into the woods, we would have been washed away--that area was one of the hardest hit.

But I'm ready, when, a couple of weeks for now, we'll head out on the trail and I'll be armed with my trusty bear spray.