Two Guys go into a bar...

I have this weird impulse-control thing that I've never conquered--it does make for an interesting life, though.

Business meals are very weird--it's not like going out and having dinner with friends. It's more like the extended dance mix version of the relatively unsatisfying experience having coffee and donuts at a meeting in a conference room, wishing you were chomping the same donuts and coffee in your pajamas while reading a book in your favorite chair...

One of my colleagues, named John, whom I don't know very well, was in town to help me with a tough training class for a group of nitwits. Since he was visiting from out-of-town at my request, and didn't have a car, I felt somewhat obligated to take him out to dinner that evening. Some guys have "road" personalities, where they go nuts and drink like crazy or otherwise misbehave, so you never know what you're going to get--this guy seemed pretty tame, so I decided to take him to a restaurant relatively close to his hotel.

We sat, somewhat awkwardly making polite conversation. He is a pretty formal guy, very professional and not too open about his ideas. Some guys will go on and on about politics, which just bores the shit out of me. Others stick to very neutral topics such as events in the industry, "where I'm from it's like this...", and even funny work anecdotes. If I ever run into someone who reads literature, likes to hunt or fish, or talk philosophy (open-mindedly, not trying to convince me of anything), then I'm good for the whole evening. But that night I was trying to switch my brain off from work mode and was just enjoying stories of John grow up in a military family, moving from place to place. He's a decent guy.

I let my guard down for just a minute.

"Did you hear that Peter McDonald left the company? He went to the competition."

"Good--I'm glad he's gone. He's a smug bastard!" I shot back with blinding speed, just enunciating the word "bastard" at about the time I caught myself saying it.

Normally, this in itself would be funny enough of an interjection just because it was such a sudden and disproportionally dramatic departure from the somewhat passive tone of the conversation, but then I saw John kind of press his lips together with some effort and look down at his drink.

I had one of those flashing episodes like in "Run Lola Run" where bits of information about John and Peter ran through my head, tracing back to a convergence of their paths. I realized that John had known Peter from working with him at their former company.

Now, here's where I'm coming from on this: I had just had the opportunity (privilege, if you ask Peter) to work with Peter for about 10 days in a row at a conference. He's a smarmy British guy who is extremely brilliant, gifted, well-spoken, and clever. The kind of person that I become quiet around because there isn't enough room for my ego in the same room with theirs. The kind of person who is constantly correcting you with hyper-accurate language. An Example:

Me: "Am I attaching the X-ray correctly?" (putting something together)

Peter, scoffing, sighs, rolls eyes, then responds: "It's an energy-dispersive X-ray analysis detector." (note that he really didn't answer my question).

Me (who really just asked to politely fill an awkward silence, knowing what it was and how to attach it, including the full, annoying name): "Thanks."

Then, in my imagination, Peter is drinking tea later on with his comrades (At least 5 English people magically materialized at our station during the conference): "I work with a group of gorillas. They are all complete morons who know nothing..."

Gloriously gifted Peter pranced around the conference rolling his eyes and speaking condescendingly to others the entire time, in that manner of him being in on some large, cosmic joke of hyper-awareness amongst dullards. But still, he was one of those guys that made me glad he was on our team because he is quite knowledgeable about technical matters. Believe it or not, I can easily put aside personal dislike for someone if they do a good job.

So, when given the ability to unleash my pent-up wrath about Peter, I opened my mouth and inserted my foot firmly--I guess I could be a wuss and retreat, chalking up my outburst to an instantaneous lack of judgement, but nooooo, not me...I've gotta go the other way:

"You must know him pretty well from when you worked for xxx, huh?"

"Yes, he was my contact with that company for eight years. He called me to tell me he was leaving" John responded, smiling slightly as though he really caught me in a big faux pas. Turns out they've been friends for eight years or so...

"Well, if you talk to him again, you can tell him he comes across like a real smug bastard. But then again, maybe that's the effect he's going for..."

John politely changed the subject, and I just laughed at the absurdity of the situation and my own silliness.