It's midnight and my contacts are starting to fog up. I almost crashed out at 9:30 PM but somehow caught my second wind. I'm doing mental calculations--like a diagram of the kinetic energy that I'm going to have to expend for the rest of the week. I'm rechecking my math, but I'm pretty sure that the energy budget can't accept an all-nighter.
Today it rained.
That may not sound like a phenomenon, but we've had forty-two days over 100 degrees this summer. The ground is cracking, and everything is turning brown.
Wrote a couple of letters, and a sad, sentimental old movie is playing in the background. I'm the only one awake in the house--times like these make me feel like I'm standing guard over my family.
I hear the static from Kaitlyn's baby monitor. Part of me wants to go pick her up and rock her while she sleeps tonight. I'm kind of panicking that she is growing up too fast. Today I took Ryan to go play video games, and I noticed how long his legs are getting and I looked into his face as he smiled with a big gap where the front two teeth used to be. I compared it to a picture of him as a four month old with fuzzy hair.
I guess the thing is, I know I'm supposed to be happy that they are healthy and growing up, kind of like I'm supposed to be happy that it rained today, but I'm just letting myself feel a little sad about it. Maybe I'm just tired.
And the real truth is, that about two weeks ago, I actually did go up and get Kaitlyn, wrapped her in her pink blanket, and held her. It felt wonderful. Well, eventually, she woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep, and it messed up her schedule and she was cranky the next day...
I know it's not rational to complain about something inevitable like kids growing up or a gray, rainy day returning, but I'll give myself a break; allow myself moments of weakness to be sad...
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3 comments:
and explore new feelings, new emotions. its an exciting life Mike...do whatever you see fit, do it first. then remember. Nice, you give me inspirations of being a dad in the future. Maybe. Hopefully.
I think it's fine to feel slightly sad now and then, because it means you're aware of how happy you are now, and how happy you were when things were a stage or two previous to now. Just so long as it doesn't become a weight.
I hope your children know that they're appreciated. Or perhaps it's more right that they don't, and it's just the norm.
Thanks for the comments, GP and Stormfilled. I remember what it is like to not have kids, nor any prospects of having them in the future (I was 28 before we had Ryan). It felt like a club that I didn't belong to and I felt slightly out of place commenting on the subject--thanks for indulging me...
I definitely let my kids know how much I appreciate them. Maybe when I'm long gone that's what they'll remember about me...that and the homemade ice cream we make sometimes!
But for now I guess it's good enough that I love them enough to say "no" when applicable, and to teach them good manners, self-respect, and curiosity. Oh, and how to have fun!
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