The Passion

I've been working with my professional coach--much to Fran's disgust. She really didn't like the guy at all on first impression, and she is usually very insightful.

After spending a few conference calls with him, I certainly acknowledge that he is flawed in multiple ways (I had to quit in order for him to work with me--I think it was a matter of pride to him. Additionally, I still drive him crazy by being late to every meeting, and have missed 2, but in order to work with him I made him promise to go with that, so he's just biting his tongue over it), but he has challenged me to accomplish some brainstorming and organizational work that has been helpful. He also feeds my ego, which is often voracious--I try to cut him off when he does that because it makes me very uncomfortable and I know it isn't productive.

I also think that's a cop out that he uses when he doesn't have anything prepared.

Here are some useful things he has done:

1) Took me through an exercise where you evaluate where you are right now in your professional life, what my personal definition of "rock bottom" is (mine is being fed through a tube, collecting welfare, and having to wear depends), what the pinnacle of success is (mine is having a house in a beautiful country with a writer's studio and workshop surrounded by about 10 acres--having autonomy to write). And where you are--fortunately, at this time, closer to the pinnacle than the bottom. Then chart out how to get to the top, evaluating decisions as they come up as whether or not they take you closer to your goal.

2)When we identified that there are some decisions that are possibly coming up for me, he came up with a very good plan of action for interacting with people at work to see if a promotion is going to benefit me or not. He was quite insightful about this.

3) And then there was that thing this week.

He nailed something down for me, which was worth all the time I've spent with him so far...

We were talking about a couple of things, and he stopped me and said "Right now, I can just hear the passion in your voice for what you are doing."

And that was it! I've never had it put exactly that way, but it fits!

Passion: \'pash-en\ n 1. The sufferings of Christ between the night of the Last Supper and his death...4. intense driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c: an outbreak of anger 5. Ardent affection

As for #1--I thought the movie was great! Of course, that's not what we're talking about. Nor are we going with #5--that's personal, but I certainly feel that, too...

I put "anger" in the list, too--You know, I think sometimes intense feeling for something can be misinterpreted as anger against something--one of the hazards of my diagnosed condition.

So my goal for the rest of the blog entry is not to insanely overuse that word in every sentence...

It's just so obvious now that I can't believe I didn't see it before. I have used metaphors like "I just put my heart and soul into it".

But I could do worse than to be accused of living with passion.

The "intense driving" and "overmastering feeling of conviction" makes me feel like I'm basking in the absorbed glow of everything around me, soaking up every drop of life as it washes over me.

Of course, there is a downside--People that don't get what you are about think you are just absolutely nuts. They think you're a workaholic, flaky, dramatic, single-minded, shallow, insincere(<--this is a big one), etc. I think it's threatening to some people, and they have to turn it into a negative. I'm sure it's annoying to some to see the way I handle things--they may think I'm a show-off or overachiever.

But there's more to it, and anyone that gets to know me soon realizes that I'm sincere, deep, loyal, balanced, and, maybe, above all, focused. I do wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see, and I do have a flair for the dramatic, just because I think it's fun--like my own private, harmless entertainment at the expense of the world.

-I really and sincerely love people--even knuckleheads (they make things more interesting).

-I've gotten perspective and appreciate the growth it brings when I go through rough times.

-I like working and the challenges it brings (although in the heat of battle I can go crazy).

-I love my wife and kids (imagine that!)They bring me so much joy...

-I appreciate sunsets, beauty, art, music (even if I can't remember who's playing), poetry, architecture

-I'm amazed by science and nature, and the more I learn the more I'm amazed

-I'm really interested to see what happens next in the world!

Yes, it could be worse than to be accused of having passion!