I guess I'll never freakin' know--Fran's already grabbed it and claimed it for her own--no doubt filling it with Sarah McLachlan sappy stuff, Enya, and Sheryl Crow--if one stinking Celine Dion thing ends up on my playlist, I'll spontaneously throw up.
Now comes the real challenge--it's really a test of your true likes to prioritize playlists. I mean, I like Rush (can't dance to it, but it's still okay--who the hell ever heard of 11-14 time?), but do I REALLY like Rush that much? I think to myself "Of course, you love Rush--put them on your 'favorites' ", but when the songs come on I always skip over it. Hmmm. something's up there.
Not sure I really want to get into this and display my absolute idiotic taste in music. Especially to Don the Music Snob -- and yes, you are!
So the challenge arises to build the perfect Ipod, so when I die they can bury it with me because it will be pretty much crap to everyone else in the world.
There's a great Woody Allen movie, Radio Days, in which he tells a short story with an ongoing cast of characters associated with each song. It's a fantastic movie about him growing up. It has been occurring to me that I get the same mental flashes with different songs--
Here's an example: Right now, I'm listening to U2's "New Year's Day". It brings to mind 2 different things: The first is that U2 came to Dallas at the beginning of school when I first went to public high school in the middle of my freshman year--up to that point I had been going to Christian School, where no one was allowed to wear anything that didn't feel like a straightjacket. Well, on one of my first days at the public school, a bunch of the kids came to school wearing concert shirts to the U2 concert from the previous weekend--it said "Smell the Flowers" in flowing script. Well, being naive, I was very curious if there was something that I should know about and didn't know (I had no clue it was a concert shirt). I had to check out about 20 shirts as discretely as possible to figure out what the writing said, and I'm sure more than one of the girls thought I was checking her out (okay, damn it, maybe I was). The second part of this flash memory is riding in the bus back from church camp later that year--this weird dude was singing New Year's Day very loudly and off-key, and everyone was laughing. I had no clue who he was, but it wasn't very funny and I was wondering why everyone was laughing so wholeheartedly.
During that year, I helped organize a group to sell refreshments to help raise $$ for medical bills for some kid named Jody, who was dying of bone cancer--we worked every Saturday for 3 months or so, selling hot dogs, candy, and drinks at church basketball games. I later found out that Jody was the kid on the bus. Every time I hear that song, at least for a split second, I remember Jody.
Boy, that movie would suck if it was written by me, huh?!
23 February 2005
21 February 2005
Oh, hell no! That's just wrong!
I need to start an account right now-to pay for the counseling that Ryan is going to need in about 10 years, all because of my (sick) creative mind and lack of impulse control.
Yesterday I drew the short straw and it was my turn to change Kaitlyn's diaper. It was one of those Hitchcock moments: Flash on clean, new diaper, then flash to a chocolate-covered macadamian nut candy in a package on the dresser--Oh yes, I went there.
I put the candy in the new diaper, where, I must admit, it looked as though it belonged. Then I took it out to Ryan, who was in the living room pounding the hell out of the keys on his new gameboy that he got for his birthday, totally absorbed. I caught his attention and held the diaper out for him to check out--he went, as expected, "eeeeeeewwww!"
So I paused, then looked intently at the contents of the diaper, and then slowly leaned my head down and ate the candy out of it.
Ryan didn't know where to run.
He just stared at me for about 15 seconds, then a glimmer of hope. "You didn't REALLY eat that?" A lot of times I do hack magic tricks around him, just because he's 6 and my hands are just about fast enough to fool him (unfortunately, no one else--and he's on to me now, anyway).
I opened my mouth--I guess I didn't realize how impressive that would be. He sprang off the couch like a wounded antelope: "MOM!"
And he disappeared around the corner. When he came back, he was pale and didn't even look at me, and then it looked like he was about to throw up, so I had to end it and tell him.
Kids are very sensitive about being made fun of, and Ryan is especially this way. He climbed on the couch, turned his head from me, and didn't talk to me for about 10 minutes. I still can't get him to admit that it was funny, but I laughed my ass off for about 15 minutes and broke into laughter about 3 times just writing this down.
Anyone care to make a donation to the counseling fund?
Yesterday I drew the short straw and it was my turn to change Kaitlyn's diaper. It was one of those Hitchcock moments: Flash on clean, new diaper, then flash to a chocolate-covered macadamian nut candy in a package on the dresser--Oh yes, I went there.
I put the candy in the new diaper, where, I must admit, it looked as though it belonged. Then I took it out to Ryan, who was in the living room pounding the hell out of the keys on his new gameboy that he got for his birthday, totally absorbed. I caught his attention and held the diaper out for him to check out--he went, as expected, "eeeeeeewwww!"
So I paused, then looked intently at the contents of the diaper, and then slowly leaned my head down and ate the candy out of it.
Ryan didn't know where to run.
He just stared at me for about 15 seconds, then a glimmer of hope. "You didn't REALLY eat that?" A lot of times I do hack magic tricks around him, just because he's 6 and my hands are just about fast enough to fool him (unfortunately, no one else--and he's on to me now, anyway).
I opened my mouth--I guess I didn't realize how impressive that would be. He sprang off the couch like a wounded antelope: "MOM!"
And he disappeared around the corner. When he came back, he was pale and didn't even look at me, and then it looked like he was about to throw up, so I had to end it and tell him.
Kids are very sensitive about being made fun of, and Ryan is especially this way. He climbed on the couch, turned his head from me, and didn't talk to me for about 10 minutes. I still can't get him to admit that it was funny, but I laughed my ass off for about 15 minutes and broke into laughter about 3 times just writing this down.
Anyone care to make a donation to the counseling fund?
20 February 2005
Shadow Boxing
I've found myself in a battle--and I'm fighting against my wlll.
There's a guy at work, Brett, that I just CAN'T STAND. He's an ignorant cretan. It's actually not that I can't stand him, but more like: I wish I didn't have to deal with him.
Once, I took the warehouse manager out for lunch to let him know how much I appreciate all his extra efforts--he's one of these guys that has a bias for getting things done. I like that kind of person, and they're rare sometimes. Plenty of people hide out in the beauracratic mess and do as little as they can--which brings us to Brett. When he found out I took Chris out for lunch, Brett started lobbying for the same treatment. Then he suggested to me that my work might get done faster if I brought him a case of beer, which really pissed me off. Unfortunately, Brett can screw me up in a couple of different ways: His job is to put the $2500 computer together which runs the $100,000 systems that we sell--but the systems don't ship until the computer is assembled. He can delay me pretty significantly (and has). Also, he can jack with the settings of computers and inconvenience our customers and make me look bad, because ultimately I'm the one standing there like a dope when the machine comes on at the customer's location. The problem is, he's relatively incompetent, so a claim of ignorance from him is pretty beliveable. The last thing is that my company doesn't fire you unless you stab your mother--directly in front of the CEO.
Brett's a pretty big guy, and full of himself, and it probably doesn't help things that I totally killed him in an arm-wrestling competition one time. Brett does it all the time in bars, apparently, and this was supposed to be a setup because he is rumored to be pretty much unbeatable. Unbeknownst to me, he had already defeated 6 guys on different days when I walked into the warehouse. Me, the nerdy family guy, should be an easy target. When I kicked his ass, the whole place erupted and the other guys were dogging him for weeks about how he got beat--because they knew it got to him pretty bad.
Other than the fact that he tried to force me to bribe him, this guy is a dirtbag on other, even more creative ways--he's got 4 or 5 different kids from different moms, smokes like a chimney, and got picked up for DUI after one of our holiday parties. The State of California tracked him down and did a paternity test on him for a one-night stand from 11 years ago--apparently the girl has been getting welfare all this time and now they are charging Brett for it, which I think is wrong and is financially ruining this guy. I'm sure there is a morality lesson to be learned here, but in reality he's getting nailed for this person's lifestyle choice (welfare) and he didn't have any say over it (like him taking custody of the kid). I overheard this story while inhaling a month's worth of secondhand smoke from Brett during a break.
So here's the sequence of events. We started off civilly, and Brett has always done a pretty mediocre job of computer building. Then he ran into many personal problems. Then I smoked him at arm-wrestling. Then he started doing a terrible job on computer building. Then several customers complained, as well as some other reps, and this got back to Brett (I have never said anything about him to anyone). Then he accused me of trying to get him fired. Then that put that thought in my head, like "Hmmm....maybe they told him if he didn't do a good job he could be fired...Maybe this could be used for subtle motivation when he starts talking shit." So when he was being particularly mouthy to me, I commented, "You know, Brett, you must feel very secure in your job to be talking to people this way..." Well, that backfired. He went bananas and still hasn't let that one go. And it launched a war.
Another, more mischevious co-worker of mine, has picked up on this and keeps fueling the flames--and uses it to his advantage. He has bought the case of beer for Brett, taken him out to lunch, and continuously asks about the war "between us"--it's in his best interests to stir it up because it let's Brett take extra good care of him to show that there is a difference in treatment for those he likes. In reality, I see this guy maybe 15-20 minutes per week.
On Valentine's day, Brett signed up for some Email Valentines with my Email account from work and sent bizzarely worded Emails to my boss and another co-worker. The funny part is, of course, that everyone know it was him. He even used wording that only he uses. Even then, I just laughed and let it go...but my boss was seriously ticked and called him in.
And the war goes on. Or more like "Battle of the Ants". I'm wondering if I should dump a bucket of water on this dork.
The funny thing about this is, other than the "job security" thing, I really was just an observer--this guy has just had a lot of problems and I think they just all focused at one point in time. Other than his being a dirtbag, I seriously could not care less about this guy. But when he starts this business with the Email account, it's serious business. It reminds me of the scene in Grosse Pointe Blank when John Cusak asks the guy "Do you really think there's something between you and me?"
Sometimes, I feel like there is a capital account of BS that you are granted when you start a job, and I don't want to burn it on a stupid, insignificant issue like this--I may need capital for something real sometime, like getting a promotion, increasing my territory, getting a new laptop, etc. These silly interpersonal things are just retarded.
There's a guy at work, Brett, that I just CAN'T STAND. He's an ignorant cretan. It's actually not that I can't stand him, but more like: I wish I didn't have to deal with him.
Once, I took the warehouse manager out for lunch to let him know how much I appreciate all his extra efforts--he's one of these guys that has a bias for getting things done. I like that kind of person, and they're rare sometimes. Plenty of people hide out in the beauracratic mess and do as little as they can--which brings us to Brett. When he found out I took Chris out for lunch, Brett started lobbying for the same treatment. Then he suggested to me that my work might get done faster if I brought him a case of beer, which really pissed me off. Unfortunately, Brett can screw me up in a couple of different ways: His job is to put the $2500 computer together which runs the $100,000 systems that we sell--but the systems don't ship until the computer is assembled. He can delay me pretty significantly (and has). Also, he can jack with the settings of computers and inconvenience our customers and make me look bad, because ultimately I'm the one standing there like a dope when the machine comes on at the customer's location. The problem is, he's relatively incompetent, so a claim of ignorance from him is pretty beliveable. The last thing is that my company doesn't fire you unless you stab your mother--directly in front of the CEO.
Brett's a pretty big guy, and full of himself, and it probably doesn't help things that I totally killed him in an arm-wrestling competition one time. Brett does it all the time in bars, apparently, and this was supposed to be a setup because he is rumored to be pretty much unbeatable. Unbeknownst to me, he had already defeated 6 guys on different days when I walked into the warehouse. Me, the nerdy family guy, should be an easy target. When I kicked his ass, the whole place erupted and the other guys were dogging him for weeks about how he got beat--because they knew it got to him pretty bad.
Other than the fact that he tried to force me to bribe him, this guy is a dirtbag on other, even more creative ways--he's got 4 or 5 different kids from different moms, smokes like a chimney, and got picked up for DUI after one of our holiday parties. The State of California tracked him down and did a paternity test on him for a one-night stand from 11 years ago--apparently the girl has been getting welfare all this time and now they are charging Brett for it, which I think is wrong and is financially ruining this guy. I'm sure there is a morality lesson to be learned here, but in reality he's getting nailed for this person's lifestyle choice (welfare) and he didn't have any say over it (like him taking custody of the kid). I overheard this story while inhaling a month's worth of secondhand smoke from Brett during a break.
So here's the sequence of events. We started off civilly, and Brett has always done a pretty mediocre job of computer building. Then he ran into many personal problems. Then I smoked him at arm-wrestling. Then he started doing a terrible job on computer building. Then several customers complained, as well as some other reps, and this got back to Brett (I have never said anything about him to anyone). Then he accused me of trying to get him fired. Then that put that thought in my head, like "Hmmm....maybe they told him if he didn't do a good job he could be fired...Maybe this could be used for subtle motivation when he starts talking shit." So when he was being particularly mouthy to me, I commented, "You know, Brett, you must feel very secure in your job to be talking to people this way..." Well, that backfired. He went bananas and still hasn't let that one go. And it launched a war.
Another, more mischevious co-worker of mine, has picked up on this and keeps fueling the flames--and uses it to his advantage. He has bought the case of beer for Brett, taken him out to lunch, and continuously asks about the war "between us"--it's in his best interests to stir it up because it let's Brett take extra good care of him to show that there is a difference in treatment for those he likes. In reality, I see this guy maybe 15-20 minutes per week.
On Valentine's day, Brett signed up for some Email Valentines with my Email account from work and sent bizzarely worded Emails to my boss and another co-worker. The funny part is, of course, that everyone know it was him. He even used wording that only he uses. Even then, I just laughed and let it go...but my boss was seriously ticked and called him in.
And the war goes on. Or more like "Battle of the Ants". I'm wondering if I should dump a bucket of water on this dork.
The funny thing about this is, other than the "job security" thing, I really was just an observer--this guy has just had a lot of problems and I think they just all focused at one point in time. Other than his being a dirtbag, I seriously could not care less about this guy. But when he starts this business with the Email account, it's serious business. It reminds me of the scene in Grosse Pointe Blank when John Cusak asks the guy "Do you really think there's something between you and me?"
Sometimes, I feel like there is a capital account of BS that you are granted when you start a job, and I don't want to burn it on a stupid, insignificant issue like this--I may need capital for something real sometime, like getting a promotion, increasing my territory, getting a new laptop, etc. These silly interpersonal things are just retarded.
19 February 2005
Conversations
I'm warning you--I'm feeling a little sentimental because we just had a birthday party for my son, and I'm possibly in danger of being a little over-sentimental. But maybe I just need to be in that frame of mind to think back on stages of my life. I went to sleep last night thanking God for my kids and the new depths of love that I've found for them. Thinking about my own family situation and what it would take to drive that love out of my soul...it's unfathomable to me.
Through my life, the thing that has gotten me through is an ongoing dialog with God. An atheist would interject here and say it's been a monologue to myself in which I work out my own problems. I really just can't buy that, but the burden of proof lies with me in this case, and the proof process is tiresome. So, based on the assumption that I'm not delusional and that my faith is justified, I am listing prayers I remember:
1) I clearly remember around age 8 or so praying for wisdom in my life. This was done privately in my bedroom. I was inspired by Solomon doing the same thing, and this wisdom blessing him in other ways. I felt a little guilty hoping it would bless me in other ways, too, but stuck to asking for wisdom. This was the beginning of my dialog, and I feel like it was answered. Intelligence, of course, is another matter--I remain ignorant in many things, but wisdom/perspective seems to be an ingrained piece of my personality. After this point, I always felt that I had some objectivity about the events around me, even things that directly affected me. Childish whim, anger, depression, mistakes, etc. still were part of me, but I would almost immediately be able to discern the overall importance of such things. As though someone gave me one of those corny pairs of x-ray glasses that really don't work, but in some twist of humorous fate, mine did work and I could see through problems.
Here's a little creepy aside--I don't know if this happens to everyone, but while I was growing up, I had SEVERAL times where a teacher, random adult, relative, or even strangers kind of pulled me aside and told me in a Twilight-Zone-esqe style that they could see that God had blessed me, and that I was a special, important person. I can think of at least 5 times specifically, but perhaps even more.
2) When I was about 12, I prayed like crazy that God would give me a certain girlfriend named Bethany. Garth Brooks wrote a song called "Unanswered Prayers"--I'm not a huge fan, but when I hear this song (right before I run away and/or change the station) I think of Bethany (trust me here, I set the bar pretty low for myself). I guess God knew what he was doing, because he sent the right person to me at the right time. The point is, he was included in my plans. Maybe a little naive at the time, but I had the conversation with him--If I had talked to anyone else about this girl around my house, I would have been mocked and undercut the whole way.
3) When I was about 14, I prayed that God would just let me die. I was so unhappy and had no hope. I had been in a child abuse shelter and had tried to get the police to help me with my home situation. In a bizarre twist, I managed to get the most incompetent social worker and a lazy cop and between them, they empowered my parents, closed my file, and made my life hell. If this hadn't happened, I would have definitely gone into "the system" and I wonder what the outcome would have been. After this rock bottom moment, I had hope that someday I would get away from "all that".
4) When I was 19, my world collapsed again when I was abruptly and unexpectedly yanked out of college after my first year. I'm always defensive about telling people that because I assume that they think I flunked out or did something to get kicked out (neither). When I was down like this, I just prayed that God would open doors for me and show me what to do.
On the exact same Saturday that I was supposed to be moving into my dorm for my Sophomore year, I went on my first date with Fran. I was down, and this changed me forever, eventually disrupting my plans of med school and fame and fortune, but in a way this was answered prayer as well--I got a lot of opened doors from that point in my education and career that are otherwise inexplicable.
5) When I found out we were going to have kids (both of them), I prayed that God would make them healthy. I know that our faith gets tested in many ways, but I prayed intensely that God would spare me from being tested through my children's health. I don't think I could handle that--I'm not interested in finding that out, and I fear it.
6) In 2003, I prayed that God would deepen my faith. I learned that this requires true soul-searching by me, and that takes a lot of effort and thought. I gained appreciation for people who have quietly and humbly gone through this in an attempt to figure it all out. I gained a healthy skepticisim about people and the slant they put on things. I've just scratched the surface here, and go through alternating times of feeling deeply about it and putting it out of my mind--but my conversations with God continue like a secret conversation in my quietest times.
7) Last year I prayed that I could just have more peace in my life. Don't know if enough time has passed for my perspective to stay true over time, but the answer seemed to be "In order to have peace, your wounds must heal" And that meant opening some of them up again, some of them very publicly. Maybe 34 is too young to have a mid-life crisis. I'm not sure I'm going to live that long, anyway. Another country song: Tim McGraw's "Live Like you were Dying"--focuses on doing things that you've been holding yourself back from doing. I thought it was interesting that he included that he "Gave forgiveness I've been denying" in the list.
I'm not sure if this is interesting to others--I'm looking at 2 buttons: One says "Save as Draft" and one says "Publish Post", and I'm debating on which one to press. These conversations with God are an intensely personal thing to me, and they've shaped who I am today. Some people that I've sent my blog entries to have commented that they really enjoyed them and almost seemed surprised that maybe there was more going on than I let on. Maybe it's better not to leave the world without letting other people know how I've managed to get through it relatively happily and successfully.
18 February 2005
#1 Song in my Ipod
Just bought an Ipod--I'm a little sensitive to criticism when I spend a lot of $$ on stuff, especially electronics. It ALWAYS feels like an impulse buy to me, even if I've been "shopping" for about 6 months or so for it, like in this case.
A guilty pleasure of mine is REGGAE music--Fran, too.
Here's the #1 song I'm loading in...
No woman, no cry
'Cause I remember when we used to sitIn the government yard in Trenchtown
Oba, ob-serving the hypocritesAs they would mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we've lost along the way
In this bright future you can't forget your past
So dry your tears I say
No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Little darlin' don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry
Said, said, said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire light
Log wood burnin' through the night
Then we would cook corn meal porridge
Of which I'll share with you
My feet is my only carriage
So I've got to push on through
But while I'm gone...
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
So, no woman, no cryNo, no woman, no woman, no cry
Oh, little darling, don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry
No woman, no woman, no woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh, my little darlin' please don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry, yeah
So here's something that I've wanted people to know--I'm really jealous of people that can really get into music. I mean as an important part of their life. I feel very foolish when I have discussions about music--it's just so subjective, and I get a little defensive about my taste; perhaps it just isn't too refined, and sometimes I simply like things just 'cause it sounds good and not necessarily because the complex mixing of chords has any creativity/uniqueness. Does this sound like a scientist trying to describe music in quantitative terms? Maybe it is just my very introspective, self-critical nature that won't let me enjoy it. At any rate, I AM jealous.
This Bob Marley song just speaks to me for some reason--I guess it's about comfort, reassurance, retrospection, poverty, acceptance. It hits me at a personal level. But what the hell do I know?
A guilty pleasure of mine is REGGAE music--Fran, too.
Here's the #1 song I'm loading in...
No woman, no cry
'Cause I remember when we used to sitIn the government yard in Trenchtown
Oba, ob-serving the hypocritesAs they would mingle with the good people we meet
Good friends we have had, oh good friends we've lost along the way
In this bright future you can't forget your past
So dry your tears I say
No woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Little darlin' don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry
Said, said, said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown
And then Georgie would make the fire light
Log wood burnin' through the night
Then we would cook corn meal porridge
Of which I'll share with you
My feet is my only carriage
So I've got to push on through
But while I'm gone...
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alrightEv'rything's gonna be alright
So, no woman, no cryNo, no woman, no woman, no cry
Oh, little darling, don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry
No woman, no woman, no woman, no cry
No woman, no cry
Oh, my little darlin' please don't shed no tears
No woman, no cry, yeah
So here's something that I've wanted people to know--I'm really jealous of people that can really get into music. I mean as an important part of their life. I feel very foolish when I have discussions about music--it's just so subjective, and I get a little defensive about my taste; perhaps it just isn't too refined, and sometimes I simply like things just 'cause it sounds good and not necessarily because the complex mixing of chords has any creativity/uniqueness. Does this sound like a scientist trying to describe music in quantitative terms? Maybe it is just my very introspective, self-critical nature that won't let me enjoy it. At any rate, I AM jealous.
This Bob Marley song just speaks to me for some reason--I guess it's about comfort, reassurance, retrospection, poverty, acceptance. It hits me at a personal level. But what the hell do I know?
17 February 2005
T-Rex
I'll get back to the serial killer another day...I thought that turned out pretty good so far--as you can tell, he didn't get me (but he is a serial killer and he tried to get me...) That type of 3rd person writing is very exhausting to me, because it requires active empathy with the character as you write....it's quite different from journaling...
So this morning at 5:00 AM, as I was feeling my way around my house as my contacts became unstuck from the backs of my eyes (overheard on a hunting trip: "Dude, you're hard core! You sleep in your contacts?"--I've never seen the movie "Dude, where's my car?", but I've known dumb-asses that talk that way and always thought it would make interesting observation from afar for the rest of us with IQ's in triple digits). So during my Helen Keller moment, I came face to face with a T-Rex (back in my day, when you met one, you called it a Tyranosaurus Rex--when did they shorten it to T-Rex? As a Biologist, a lot of times we abbreviate the genus and just list the species c. lupus, u. horibilis (that one's for Nicole=grizzly bear), lemna minor) Anyway, I digress...
The T-rex is a big orange plastic one from Hot Wheels that we bought for Ryan for Christmas 2003. For any parent of boys, Hot Wheels are a scam--their stuff is crap, doesn't EVER work properly, breaks easily, and eternally lingers around your house in a half-ass, mediocre state. And it's cheap and looks cool so your kids want it, people love to give it to you because it fits just perfectly in the price range (marketing genius--a lot of bang for your buck), and it will curse your life. Other than those minor factors, it's okay.
So this T-Rex is staring at me at 5:00 with red glaring eyes--then, of course, I accidentally bump it as I pass by and it gives off a huge roar...right outside Ryan's room.
Ryan usually wakes up early, but I think someone would find me with cement shoes in the middle of the Trinity River if I woke the house up at 5:00, so I just held my breath and waited...and while I waited it occurred to me: Jesus died so I could buy this cheap hunk of plastic--what in the world does this represent?
Another side note: Kaitlyn, my 1 year old daughter, can mimic sounds and voices a lot like I can (ask to hear my Godfather someday...). The first time she heard T-Rex roar, she belted out an identical sound--we all just looked at each other and freaked out...then made it roar about 20 times trying to get her to do it again, but she was all smug about it, like "You already know I can do it, why would I want to do it again?"
So I avoided catastrophe and the household remained in their pre-dawn comas.
Getting a little on the heavy side now, I was reading about child welfare and a shift in social attitudes toward children. In the past, it seems, the legal assumption of children was as though they were property of the parents, hence the "get up and work your ass off and be careful what I don't kick your ass" mentality that I always think of. Parents could pretty much do whatever they wanted, pretty much short of killing their kids, and even then there was room for interpretation...
The new legal mentality is that parents are actually caretakers of children on behalf of the State (this is true across the country). This gives the state the right to police children's condition and care, and even gives them an assumed responsibility to oversee child welfare. To me, that's quite interesting and I don't know which way I agree with. In order to view this, you have to compare two extreme conditions: One in which the parents are abusive or neglectful, and one in which there is a misunderstanding of a specific incident.
In the view where the parents are abusive/neglectful, the State assuming caretaking responsibility of children enables it to act forcefully with immediacy on behalf of the children. In the olden times, it seems that it was much more of a process to go through and welfare workers felt that their hands were tied.
In case of a misunderstanding, it appears that the new method places burden on the parents to prove a negative, which is a dangerous situation. I just think about taking Ryan to the doctor for his check-up with bruises on his legs because he was playing full-contact soccer with a buddy...The doctor kind of shot us a sideways glance when she was examining him, and I felt a little bit of worry...
Okay, I know that isn't a fun topic, but it's something to think about.
14 February 2005
Encounter with a Serial Killer
Sipping a warm Starbucks caffe mocha through a straw, Mike pulled up to the check-in station at his storage building. It was February, but the weather was muggy in Dallas, Texas, and he felt as though winter had cheated him again and it was now becoming prematurely spring. Today was oddly damp without any memory of overt rain--just foggy gray and overcast with a sudden materialization of moisture on every exposed surface. The foggy night had enveloped this damp conditionand the light now bounced wildly from ubiquitous points , most interestingly the grease slicks on the road when it caught the leaning streetlights on Forest Lane at just the proper angle.
Mike rolled down his window to enter the security passcode into the keypad. There was something frustrating about the way this whole complex was operated, as though a passive-aggresive personality had put it together just to take revenge out on the customers. Multi-color paint-streaked concrete pylons almost ensured that he had to get out of his black SUV just because he didn't want to risk scraping his door against them to get close enough to the recessed keypad. Then the chain would creak wearily and slowly reel the gate along the thin track. The loud squeaking made him think of a hamster wheel, and Mike laughed to think of a giant hamster spinning a wheel to move the rickety gate, and he wondered if he was the only one in the world to ever think of that. Even if someone is goes into the property in front of you, you still have to stop and enter your code, or you can't exit the property--you have to get out of your car and exit through a small gate, seemingly built for just this purpose, enter the code, and then come back in to re-enter the code to exit. This asinine procedure must have frustrated more than one visitor, as a note was scrawled hastily on a piece of paper--carved onto a piece of white paper with a thick, black magic marker, sealed in plastic, and hung by the latch: "Do NOT Slam Gate!"
"Hang on a second...I'm entering my damn code. I don't know why I need 12 fucking digits for this place." The giant hamster started to run. Mike glanced up at the manager's door and noticed a sign that read "Will return at:" With a clock set to 9:00. It was the third time he had been to the property today, and the sign had been up each time--again, irritating because he had business with the managers. Anna never seemed to be out of the office-she must be taking a day off or something.
The managers lived on the property, and were husband and wife. Mike had dealt mostly with Anna, the wife. She was a stickler for every rule to an irritating extent. Mike had first become annoyed at her when he signed up several months before. When he brought the paperwork in, he brought his very well mannered 5 year old boy in his Tae Kwon Do uniform. It struck him as strange that, though they were the only two people in the office, the manager looked the child over but didn't address him or refer to him. That is very odd behavior, he thought, usually people would say something to a child... But she hadn't--instead, she just coldly held her hand out for the check for the down payment, and then told him that she didn't like foam peanuts floating around the parking lot, so be careful about it. And she meant it, too. One time, while he was unloading equipment into his air conditioned storage building, he was startled to look up to see Anna with her broom and dustpan, vigorously yet silently sweeping up freshly spilled styrofoam packaging material from the front of his storage unit. "What does she have, radar or something?" thought Mike, a little embarrassed but then resentful at the boldness and confrontational attitude--as though she was trying to punish him by shaming him to his face.
And then there was the time that he was locked out because his check had not arrived on time. He was traveling for 10 days and had paid on-line, only to find out that the check was delayed in the mail. Even though it was a check issued by his bank, dated several days before, and even though it was postmarked certainly in time to be received before the due date, she had cancelled his code, put a manager's lock on his unit, and had forced him to come in and pay the $10 late fee before allowing him back into his unit. Simultaneously enraged and embarassed, Mike thought to himself that he was perhaps a little defensive that she thought he didn't have the 50 bucks for rent. Having been poor in the past, he was always defensive about the perception that he might not have enough money at any time. Maybe that's why he always assumed the responsibility to pick up the check at dinner--it takes trust in others to let them pay your way. That, and enough self-confidence to not reflect too deeply on what the other person thinks. "My company is worth it" Mike could tell himself and try to convince himself that it was true. But there was always a lingering doubt.
A little time had given him perspective on having been locked out: "What a bunch of assholes!" he thought to himself when he remembered the situation earlier today. This month, he had forgotten the date and, yesterday, had paid on the very last day that payment was due--by the time he went to drop off his check the business office had closed, and a sign on the window of the office read "Don't Forget to Add your $10 Late Fee". He didn't add it, but wondered if they considered his payment late since it was paid after business hours. He clenched his teeth the next day when driving up to the office to make sure he wasn't locked out. He came by twice, but both times the office was closed--again, that was odd, but he had other things to do and quickly forgot about it.
Tonight he made his way across the gate with a sigh of relief that the gate had opened. They must put that sign out to sucker some people into paying the late fee, he mused. I guess if someone drops it off in the morning, they do owe the fee. In his poor college days, Mike had played that game with his apartment rent, waiting until the last possible day of grace to get the check to the business office--but those days were long ago...
As he drove across the puddles in the parking lot toward the last building on the lot, it struck him that he was all alone and that tonight felt particularly dark and deserted. He had needed to do this errand, but had chosen a time where it would get him out of the bustling mayhem that was going on without him at home. It was a stressful time of day, and he just needed a break. And then there was the trouble at work...
"Listen, man, I'm about to call Lloyd and chew his ass out. I'm not putting up with that shit from him anymore. I feel like I've been taking one for the team here, and not stirring up trouble, but that's about to end!"
A voice on the other end expressed concern.
"Don't worry, I'm about to settle this. Talk to you later. Okay, bye"
As he pulled around the corner, Mike pulled up to the entrance to the building. Stopping his SUV and getting out, his contact lenses immediately fogged up from the moisture in the air combined with eyes tired from focusing all day. He stuffed his cell phone into his jacket pocket and went to the back of the vehicle and quickly popped the rear door open. He needed to unload all of the equipment he was carrying so he could head home and finish his chores for the night.
Suddenly, something gave him a chill up his spine. He looked up quickly and saw a shadow at the end of the row of buildings casually disappear into the corner about 200 yards away. Between his fogged contacts and the dim yellow light oozing over the end of the driveway, which was visible but not necessarily illuminating, Mike couldn't make anything out. As he turned to go into the building to get a cart, he had a sudden flash of memory that made him realize that he was very possibly in a great deal of danger....
Okay, I need feedback or I'm not finishing this story! By the way, this is a true representation of an event that happened last Friday night.
I realized that my writing up to this point has been pretty low risk--either in Journal form or 1st person. Those are both hard to criticize. A good thing about having a close brother is that you can corner him and make him tell you what he really thinks--and Don told me "You have excellent grammar", which, to me, is the equivalent of saying "better than receiving an enema, but not much better...". So I'm trying out 3rd person and a more dramatic writing style.
Thanks, everyone!
Mike rolled down his window to enter the security passcode into the keypad. There was something frustrating about the way this whole complex was operated, as though a passive-aggresive personality had put it together just to take revenge out on the customers. Multi-color paint-streaked concrete pylons almost ensured that he had to get out of his black SUV just because he didn't want to risk scraping his door against them to get close enough to the recessed keypad. Then the chain would creak wearily and slowly reel the gate along the thin track. The loud squeaking made him think of a hamster wheel, and Mike laughed to think of a giant hamster spinning a wheel to move the rickety gate, and he wondered if he was the only one in the world to ever think of that. Even if someone is goes into the property in front of you, you still have to stop and enter your code, or you can't exit the property--you have to get out of your car and exit through a small gate, seemingly built for just this purpose, enter the code, and then come back in to re-enter the code to exit. This asinine procedure must have frustrated more than one visitor, as a note was scrawled hastily on a piece of paper--carved onto a piece of white paper with a thick, black magic marker, sealed in plastic, and hung by the latch: "Do NOT Slam Gate!"
"Hang on a second...I'm entering my damn code. I don't know why I need 12 fucking digits for this place." The giant hamster started to run. Mike glanced up at the manager's door and noticed a sign that read "Will return at:" With a clock set to 9:00. It was the third time he had been to the property today, and the sign had been up each time--again, irritating because he had business with the managers. Anna never seemed to be out of the office-she must be taking a day off or something.
The managers lived on the property, and were husband and wife. Mike had dealt mostly with Anna, the wife. She was a stickler for every rule to an irritating extent. Mike had first become annoyed at her when he signed up several months before. When he brought the paperwork in, he brought his very well mannered 5 year old boy in his Tae Kwon Do uniform. It struck him as strange that, though they were the only two people in the office, the manager looked the child over but didn't address him or refer to him. That is very odd behavior, he thought, usually people would say something to a child... But she hadn't--instead, she just coldly held her hand out for the check for the down payment, and then told him that she didn't like foam peanuts floating around the parking lot, so be careful about it. And she meant it, too. One time, while he was unloading equipment into his air conditioned storage building, he was startled to look up to see Anna with her broom and dustpan, vigorously yet silently sweeping up freshly spilled styrofoam packaging material from the front of his storage unit. "What does she have, radar or something?" thought Mike, a little embarrassed but then resentful at the boldness and confrontational attitude--as though she was trying to punish him by shaming him to his face.
And then there was the time that he was locked out because his check had not arrived on time. He was traveling for 10 days and had paid on-line, only to find out that the check was delayed in the mail. Even though it was a check issued by his bank, dated several days before, and even though it was postmarked certainly in time to be received before the due date, she had cancelled his code, put a manager's lock on his unit, and had forced him to come in and pay the $10 late fee before allowing him back into his unit. Simultaneously enraged and embarassed, Mike thought to himself that he was perhaps a little defensive that she thought he didn't have the 50 bucks for rent. Having been poor in the past, he was always defensive about the perception that he might not have enough money at any time. Maybe that's why he always assumed the responsibility to pick up the check at dinner--it takes trust in others to let them pay your way. That, and enough self-confidence to not reflect too deeply on what the other person thinks. "My company is worth it" Mike could tell himself and try to convince himself that it was true. But there was always a lingering doubt.
A little time had given him perspective on having been locked out: "What a bunch of assholes!" he thought to himself when he remembered the situation earlier today. This month, he had forgotten the date and, yesterday, had paid on the very last day that payment was due--by the time he went to drop off his check the business office had closed, and a sign on the window of the office read "Don't Forget to Add your $10 Late Fee". He didn't add it, but wondered if they considered his payment late since it was paid after business hours. He clenched his teeth the next day when driving up to the office to make sure he wasn't locked out. He came by twice, but both times the office was closed--again, that was odd, but he had other things to do and quickly forgot about it.
Tonight he made his way across the gate with a sigh of relief that the gate had opened. They must put that sign out to sucker some people into paying the late fee, he mused. I guess if someone drops it off in the morning, they do owe the fee. In his poor college days, Mike had played that game with his apartment rent, waiting until the last possible day of grace to get the check to the business office--but those days were long ago...
As he drove across the puddles in the parking lot toward the last building on the lot, it struck him that he was all alone and that tonight felt particularly dark and deserted. He had needed to do this errand, but had chosen a time where it would get him out of the bustling mayhem that was going on without him at home. It was a stressful time of day, and he just needed a break. And then there was the trouble at work...
"Listen, man, I'm about to call Lloyd and chew his ass out. I'm not putting up with that shit from him anymore. I feel like I've been taking one for the team here, and not stirring up trouble, but that's about to end!"
A voice on the other end expressed concern.
"Don't worry, I'm about to settle this. Talk to you later. Okay, bye"
As he pulled around the corner, Mike pulled up to the entrance to the building. Stopping his SUV and getting out, his contact lenses immediately fogged up from the moisture in the air combined with eyes tired from focusing all day. He stuffed his cell phone into his jacket pocket and went to the back of the vehicle and quickly popped the rear door open. He needed to unload all of the equipment he was carrying so he could head home and finish his chores for the night.
Suddenly, something gave him a chill up his spine. He looked up quickly and saw a shadow at the end of the row of buildings casually disappear into the corner about 200 yards away. Between his fogged contacts and the dim yellow light oozing over the end of the driveway, which was visible but not necessarily illuminating, Mike couldn't make anything out. As he turned to go into the building to get a cart, he had a sudden flash of memory that made him realize that he was very possibly in a great deal of danger....
Okay, I need feedback or I'm not finishing this story! By the way, this is a true representation of an event that happened last Friday night.
I realized that my writing up to this point has been pretty low risk--either in Journal form or 1st person. Those are both hard to criticize. A good thing about having a close brother is that you can corner him and make him tell you what he really thinks--and Don told me "You have excellent grammar", which, to me, is the equivalent of saying "better than receiving an enema, but not much better...". So I'm trying out 3rd person and a more dramatic writing style.
Thanks, everyone!
10 February 2005
Hey Coach!
I know sometimes my entries are WORDY. Sometimes I even try to fight it. If you read my "excerpts" Email, it was my side of misadventures surrounding me possibly working with a professional coach for a short time (about 3 months) to discuss some possible career moves that I am considering. The guy that I was in contact with, Christopher, is in an intern program, which made me think of some pompous punk big-timing me because every time I tried to reach this guy by telephone he would kind of act snobby and tell me that he couldn't talk to me. This happens to me a lot, because if someone tells me "I need to talk to you at 10 AM", it will probably be 10:05 at the earliest. It's just the way my schedule is.
So, I called this guy (as I allude to in my blog entry) to cancel, and told him "I think our schedules are incompatible." I chickened out from telling him that he was a pompous ass, because those people never take that to heart-they just see it as a deficiency in the person telling them. Well, during the conversation, he told me what he does for a living, and I realize that he bills by the hour (he's a licensed therapist, not a male hooker), and that he was just working me into his schedule--so I feel like a jerk for being so hard on him about his schedule-driven-ness. He tipped me off to his age by telling me (10 times at least) that he has 25 years experience in his field--he's at least in his 50's--also tipped me off that he doesn't really "use" Email...and wanted me to fax a bunch of shit to him.
I'm sure by this point you're sure that I ended the coaching, right? Nope.
And this isn't one of those "penance" projects that Fran always accuses me of. She gives me a hard time if I'm reading Russian literature or something else that is laborious (Melville, Cooper, etc.)--she says that's from my "penance" reading list to pay for all the Stephen King novels I read when I was younger...So I'm not sticking with this guy to pay for nerds of the world (funny joke that just came to mind: dyslexics of the world: untie!) that I've wronged.
What happened is this: I kind of want to go through the coaching process, and he really seems to have a good blueprint for that. Have you ever seen a football coach? Coming from Dallas, our best example is Bill Parcells--that tub of lard looks like the Michelin man! He can't go out and play--the best way to get him to do a situp is to put a jelly doughnut between his feet. But he knows how to motivate and his job is to analyze game film and deliver observations. No, I'm not rationalizing because I'm too much of a wimp to cut the guy loose--I'm rationalizing because, as I talked with this guy, he seemed to follow me with what my possible routes of career are. I'm not looking for a guru to provide some kind of astounding insight--as far as I'm concerned, I'm the guru! I don't expect anyone to know as much about my goals and expectations as me...
It's also kinda funny--I was talking about this coach to my friend, Mike D.--he was just soaking it up, mocking me for getting a coach and really giving me a hard time about it. "Other Mike" is very independent and would really have a hard time submitting to the scrutiny of another person. He really makes fun of my constant goal-setting process because he thinks it is a wasteful, laborious process whereas he just goes along, quite successfully, but perhaps practicing a little bit of revisionist history (ie. "Well, I'm here, aren't I? So I guess the was the plan all along was for me to get here..."). He was quizzing me pretty hard about the coaching process, and I just laughed, because if you can't buy into the fact that goal-setting is productive, then improving your goal-setting through coaching won't make sense, either. Eventually I just smiled very big and said "One of my goals is to find better friends!" This cracked him up and he stopped.
It's kind of like when I was in Sunday school one time--a girl who is an electrical engineer and very smart was talking about a conversation she had with an atheist. She was telling us how she showed him what the Bible says about creation, etc. and she was using the Bible to refute the theory of evolution. HELLO! I corrected her and said that her assumption that the Bible is irrefutable isn't accepted by an atheist, so you are not able to use it as supporting documentation in an argument (circular argument). Dazed looks. Then they took up a petition to get me out of that Sunday school...just kidding.
The point is, I think the coaching process is really to ask more refined questions about the direction you are going. My coach was somewhat unprepared (I later saw a version of the exercise that we were supposed to be going through, and he had really bungled it, but in a rather interesting way), and self-centered, but that can happen to the best of us...However, when going through the exercises that he proposed, which was to assess your career and the efficiency to which your self-determined skill set is being used, I think I got something out of that.
I told him I would continue on...and say 10 Hail Mary's.
So, I called this guy (as I allude to in my blog entry) to cancel, and told him "I think our schedules are incompatible." I chickened out from telling him that he was a pompous ass, because those people never take that to heart-they just see it as a deficiency in the person telling them. Well, during the conversation, he told me what he does for a living, and I realize that he bills by the hour (he's a licensed therapist, not a male hooker), and that he was just working me into his schedule--so I feel like a jerk for being so hard on him about his schedule-driven-ness. He tipped me off to his age by telling me (10 times at least) that he has 25 years experience in his field--he's at least in his 50's--also tipped me off that he doesn't really "use" Email...and wanted me to fax a bunch of shit to him.
I'm sure by this point you're sure that I ended the coaching, right? Nope.
And this isn't one of those "penance" projects that Fran always accuses me of. She gives me a hard time if I'm reading Russian literature or something else that is laborious (Melville, Cooper, etc.)--she says that's from my "penance" reading list to pay for all the Stephen King novels I read when I was younger...So I'm not sticking with this guy to pay for nerds of the world (funny joke that just came to mind: dyslexics of the world: untie!) that I've wronged.
What happened is this: I kind of want to go through the coaching process, and he really seems to have a good blueprint for that. Have you ever seen a football coach? Coming from Dallas, our best example is Bill Parcells--that tub of lard looks like the Michelin man! He can't go out and play--the best way to get him to do a situp is to put a jelly doughnut between his feet. But he knows how to motivate and his job is to analyze game film and deliver observations. No, I'm not rationalizing because I'm too much of a wimp to cut the guy loose--I'm rationalizing because, as I talked with this guy, he seemed to follow me with what my possible routes of career are. I'm not looking for a guru to provide some kind of astounding insight--as far as I'm concerned, I'm the guru! I don't expect anyone to know as much about my goals and expectations as me...
It's also kinda funny--I was talking about this coach to my friend, Mike D.--he was just soaking it up, mocking me for getting a coach and really giving me a hard time about it. "Other Mike" is very independent and would really have a hard time submitting to the scrutiny of another person. He really makes fun of my constant goal-setting process because he thinks it is a wasteful, laborious process whereas he just goes along, quite successfully, but perhaps practicing a little bit of revisionist history (ie. "Well, I'm here, aren't I? So I guess the was the plan all along was for me to get here..."). He was quizzing me pretty hard about the coaching process, and I just laughed, because if you can't buy into the fact that goal-setting is productive, then improving your goal-setting through coaching won't make sense, either. Eventually I just smiled very big and said "One of my goals is to find better friends!" This cracked him up and he stopped.
It's kind of like when I was in Sunday school one time--a girl who is an electrical engineer and very smart was talking about a conversation she had with an atheist. She was telling us how she showed him what the Bible says about creation, etc. and she was using the Bible to refute the theory of evolution. HELLO! I corrected her and said that her assumption that the Bible is irrefutable isn't accepted by an atheist, so you are not able to use it as supporting documentation in an argument (circular argument). Dazed looks. Then they took up a petition to get me out of that Sunday school...just kidding.
The point is, I think the coaching process is really to ask more refined questions about the direction you are going. My coach was somewhat unprepared (I later saw a version of the exercise that we were supposed to be going through, and he had really bungled it, but in a rather interesting way), and self-centered, but that can happen to the best of us...However, when going through the exercises that he proposed, which was to assess your career and the efficiency to which your self-determined skill set is being used, I think I got something out of that.
I told him I would continue on...and say 10 Hail Mary's.
09 February 2005
Explanation required
Couldn't help myself...I had to explain some of these...
1) I have been to both the FBI Academy and Secret Service Academy where I shot fully automatic Uzi's.
Yep
2) I have been in a gunfight, and I've been shot with a shotgun.
As previously stated, perhaps not this dramatic--during summer camp (I was a counselor), 4 of us got into a BB gun fight with some high powered guns. We all chickened out after one guy got shot in the chest and it blew apart a little metal badge that he had on. The shotgun thing did suck--One of my buddies (possibly drunk, but not confirmed) didn't see me and a friend sitting in front of some bushes (we were camoflauged)--he shot directly across the field and nailed me in the shoulder--hurt like crap!
3) I've shot arrows (with points) high into the air and then tried to catch them as they come down.
Candidate for the Darwin award
4) I've been in the halftime show at Texas Stadium during a Dallas Cowboys game.
Yeah, I know, who cares?
5) I've seen the Queen of England
6) I've been explicitly propositioned by a girl who later sent me a card reading "Good Luck with the Maggots!'
The girl was quite gross...We were in Biology together and were raising fruit flies. I ran into her the other day and she looks like a huge, bulging, swollen balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
7) Bono from U2 gave me (personally, and really) a "Thumbs Up"
Cool, huh? I was standing on a hill giving him a thumbs up, and he rolled down the window of the limo and did it back to me--and I have witnesses...
8) I have invented something, made a prototype, and have almost sent it in for a patent (but probably won't)
Don't ask me what it is--it's stupid.
9) I have been offered the services of a hit man
Really debated whether or not to put this in here--it's funny, too, because it was very casually mentioned.
10) I know someone who made $40,000 in one day in a true pyramid scheme
He actually took it home and buried it for 2 months--the pyramid collaped (of course), and some people lost major money and went around to all involved looking for it--this guy is also related to #9.
11) I have received an award for helping save someone's life after a car accident
12) I have swum a mile (swimmed? swamed?)
That really sucked, too--we were supposed to incrementally warm up over a week by swimming increasingly long distances. I didn't do that part. On the last day, I stayed up all night and just went and jumped in and started swimming. It took forever.
13) I have assisted with research in Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease, Cancer, Leukemia, Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Breast Cancer.
14) I have never seen illegal drugs in my life, or been offered to try them (please don't).
15) I have cried at the opera
Shouldn't have put this in here...
16) I cry when I see beautiful impressionist paintings
Don't mind this one so much...
17) I once gave a speech at NASA
It wasn't necessarily to NASA people--it was just at a meeting held at NASA--the speech was about an electron microscopy technique that I helped develop
18) I once had a performance review where I angered the manager so much that she lost her mind, used the F-word at least 20 times, and stormed out of the room. Because I needed the job very badly, I sat there and didn't say anything and never mentioned it to anybody. She was later fired.
Psycho Bitch!
19) I have never broken a bone in my body
20) I was an Eagle Scout and was named "Scout of the Year"
21) I once slept in the woods without a tent and hiked 14 miles in the hills one day completely by myself.
I used to pack in a hammock all the time. I was hiking with some guys who were constantly bitching all the time, so I left them and hiked all day alone--it was great--I saw a ton of animals. However, this was also put in to slightly freak Nicole out...
22) I've been hit by a car and lay in the street in a puddle of blood til someone found me.
Not exactly the best day of my life--I bit all the way through my lower lip
23) I've been injured in the country and had to ride over 100 miles in an ambulance
For the love of Pete, please don't ever ask me about this one...I ended up naked in front of about 1000 people!
24) I'm paralyzed by fear in front of large groups, but I've emceed at a large gathering including telling jokes in front of everyone.
I sincerely HATE public speaking
25) I lived very near a bear's den and used to go watch it all the time
Put this in just to freak out Nicole, who hates bears--I went to Baylor, and the mascot (a black bear) lived in the bear pit across the street.
26) I once accidentally went deer hunting out of season
...but it was in Arkansas, so who cares?
27) I once dumped a girl by moving and never calling her again (a year later I went to the dentist and it was her mom)
Her mom loved me and blamed her daughter--sick, huh?
28) I once wrote a story called "The most Influential Person in My life" and lied about who that person was.
Hmmmmm...kinda begs the question, but I don't want to get into it...
29) I didn't see the ocean until after I was 20 years old, despite visiting Seattle, Boston, and Washington D.C. before that time.
30) I once handcuffed my brother, tied him up with socks, stuffed him in a sleeping bag, put him in a box, and piled stuff on top of the box (Sorry, Don).
Actually, he liked this game...seriously! Didn't you, Don?
31) I've had a job and have made my own money since I was 10 years old
And it's all gone...
32) I was truly "Separated at Birth" and have never met my biological father, and then, this year at age 34, found out that I had a sister that I had no idea existed.
Hi Nicole!
33) I once won a door prize worth over $1000.
Trip to San Antonio, Beautiful hotel suite, Dinner, and $500 cash--someone else with my same name tried to claim it also
34) I can type about 70 wpm
blah blah blah blah blah
35) I was expelled from Elementary school for throwing a desk at a teacher
Too bad she ducked
36) My overall fight record: 8 wins, 1 loss (retired) (Note: 2 wins by knockout, loss to Alberto Guerrera, April 10, 1982) (last fight April 10, 1989)
37) I've had unexpected windfalls of (a lot of money) 3 times in my life
woo hoo!
38) I've been screwed out of (a lot of money), and screwed someone out of $175 one time and couldn't pay him (see #36).
Long stories, but the $175 deal I accidentally lost someone's key to their moped and they got a bunch of parking tickets--then he tried to come at me about a month later and I was forced to kick his ass repeatedly til someone pulled me off him.
39) I was named "Salesperson of the Year" for a large international company
40) I once had a huge crush on a girl and wrote her poems and sent them to her, then never asked her out because I was afraid she would say "no".
What an idiot--it was just friggin high school, for God's sake.
41) I once had a huge crush on a girl and waited in line with her for 2 hours to donate blood because she was a (authentic and sincere and wonderful) "tree-hugging" save-the-world type person, and even used my whole Spring Break to go on a mission trip with her to work in an orphanage. I also used $12 of my last $18 in the world to pay for Chinese food for us because we were both at the restaurant at the same time. I never asked her out once.
Glad I didn't
42) At least 2 different times in my life, I have had dreams so vivid that I woke up the next morning, canceled all my plans, and acted on what my dream told me to do (both times it worked out perfectly, too).
For the record, I do not believe in: ghosts, ESP, UFO's/extraterrestrials, bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster
43) My wife and I were baptized on the same day, September 21st, many years before we ever met.
Not the same year. It was of our own free will and, no, it was not down in the river (next to the van)
44) When I first saw my wife it was literally love at first sight, and I turned to my friend and told him "That's the girl I'm going to marry."
I may have done that before, though, I really don't remember...But I did ask her to marry me after our second date (in the breakroom at work).
45) I have 2 different birth certificates with 2 different names on them.
Weird, huh?
46) I once made a "ninja move" and killed a rat with a 2'x4' with one swing
Hi-yah!
47) I once caught a fish with a piece of string and a chunk of styrofoam (no hook)
Saw a bunch of kids feeding bread to them every night...
48) I studied Latin and received a silver medal on the National Latin Exam. I have had at least brief conversations with others in at least 6 languages (not including Latin).
I know, what a geek. Languages I am fluent in: Spanish, American Sign Language (previous girlfriend's family was all deaf) Kinda know: Lao (previous roommate--I crack his parents up), French, Italian (kinda like Latin) Can say some words: German, Japanese (Also, in American Indian: Shestasahoyataheh = "hello walking bear shit", does that count toward something?)
49) I once was coaxed into impromptu playing "wipeout" on the drums, complete with fast-paced solos and without sheet music at a large gathering with a bunch of strangers
Other than that, I pretty much sucked at drums--that was the peak of my performance career
50) I have officially been on the rolls of the churches of 4 different denominations in my life: I was born Catholic, was christened, and even have Godparents. I was baptized in the Baptist church at the age of 13. (Oddly enough, it's always felt like I was talking to the same God).
So now you know...
1) I have been to both the FBI Academy and Secret Service Academy where I shot fully automatic Uzi's.
Yep
2) I have been in a gunfight, and I've been shot with a shotgun.
As previously stated, perhaps not this dramatic--during summer camp (I was a counselor), 4 of us got into a BB gun fight with some high powered guns. We all chickened out after one guy got shot in the chest and it blew apart a little metal badge that he had on. The shotgun thing did suck--One of my buddies (possibly drunk, but not confirmed) didn't see me and a friend sitting in front of some bushes (we were camoflauged)--he shot directly across the field and nailed me in the shoulder--hurt like crap!
3) I've shot arrows (with points) high into the air and then tried to catch them as they come down.
Candidate for the Darwin award
4) I've been in the halftime show at Texas Stadium during a Dallas Cowboys game.
Yeah, I know, who cares?
5) I've seen the Queen of England
6) I've been explicitly propositioned by a girl who later sent me a card reading "Good Luck with the Maggots!'
The girl was quite gross...We were in Biology together and were raising fruit flies. I ran into her the other day and she looks like a huge, bulging, swollen balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
7) Bono from U2 gave me (personally, and really) a "Thumbs Up"
Cool, huh? I was standing on a hill giving him a thumbs up, and he rolled down the window of the limo and did it back to me--and I have witnesses...
8) I have invented something, made a prototype, and have almost sent it in for a patent (but probably won't)
Don't ask me what it is--it's stupid.
9) I have been offered the services of a hit man
Really debated whether or not to put this in here--it's funny, too, because it was very casually mentioned.
10) I know someone who made $40,000 in one day in a true pyramid scheme
He actually took it home and buried it for 2 months--the pyramid collaped (of course), and some people lost major money and went around to all involved looking for it--this guy is also related to #9.
11) I have received an award for helping save someone's life after a car accident
12) I have swum a mile (swimmed? swamed?)
That really sucked, too--we were supposed to incrementally warm up over a week by swimming increasingly long distances. I didn't do that part. On the last day, I stayed up all night and just went and jumped in and started swimming. It took forever.
13) I have assisted with research in Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease, Cancer, Leukemia, Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Breast Cancer.
14) I have never seen illegal drugs in my life, or been offered to try them (please don't).
15) I have cried at the opera
Shouldn't have put this in here...
16) I cry when I see beautiful impressionist paintings
Don't mind this one so much...
17) I once gave a speech at NASA
It wasn't necessarily to NASA people--it was just at a meeting held at NASA--the speech was about an electron microscopy technique that I helped develop
18) I once had a performance review where I angered the manager so much that she lost her mind, used the F-word at least 20 times, and stormed out of the room. Because I needed the job very badly, I sat there and didn't say anything and never mentioned it to anybody. She was later fired.
Psycho Bitch!
19) I have never broken a bone in my body
20) I was an Eagle Scout and was named "Scout of the Year"
21) I once slept in the woods without a tent and hiked 14 miles in the hills one day completely by myself.
I used to pack in a hammock all the time. I was hiking with some guys who were constantly bitching all the time, so I left them and hiked all day alone--it was great--I saw a ton of animals. However, this was also put in to slightly freak Nicole out...
22) I've been hit by a car and lay in the street in a puddle of blood til someone found me.
Not exactly the best day of my life--I bit all the way through my lower lip
23) I've been injured in the country and had to ride over 100 miles in an ambulance
For the love of Pete, please don't ever ask me about this one...I ended up naked in front of about 1000 people!
24) I'm paralyzed by fear in front of large groups, but I've emceed at a large gathering including telling jokes in front of everyone.
I sincerely HATE public speaking
25) I lived very near a bear's den and used to go watch it all the time
Put this in just to freak out Nicole, who hates bears--I went to Baylor, and the mascot (a black bear) lived in the bear pit across the street.
26) I once accidentally went deer hunting out of season
...but it was in Arkansas, so who cares?
27) I once dumped a girl by moving and never calling her again (a year later I went to the dentist and it was her mom)
Her mom loved me and blamed her daughter--sick, huh?
28) I once wrote a story called "The most Influential Person in My life" and lied about who that person was.
Hmmmmm...kinda begs the question, but I don't want to get into it...
29) I didn't see the ocean until after I was 20 years old, despite visiting Seattle, Boston, and Washington D.C. before that time.
30) I once handcuffed my brother, tied him up with socks, stuffed him in a sleeping bag, put him in a box, and piled stuff on top of the box (Sorry, Don).
Actually, he liked this game...seriously! Didn't you, Don?
31) I've had a job and have made my own money since I was 10 years old
And it's all gone...
32) I was truly "Separated at Birth" and have never met my biological father, and then, this year at age 34, found out that I had a sister that I had no idea existed.
Hi Nicole!
33) I once won a door prize worth over $1000.
Trip to San Antonio, Beautiful hotel suite, Dinner, and $500 cash--someone else with my same name tried to claim it also
34) I can type about 70 wpm
blah blah blah blah blah
35) I was expelled from Elementary school for throwing a desk at a teacher
Too bad she ducked
36) My overall fight record: 8 wins, 1 loss (retired) (Note: 2 wins by knockout, loss to Alberto Guerrera, April 10, 1982) (last fight April 10, 1989)
37) I've had unexpected windfalls of (a lot of money) 3 times in my life
woo hoo!
38) I've been screwed out of (a lot of money), and screwed someone out of $175 one time and couldn't pay him (see #36).
Long stories, but the $175 deal I accidentally lost someone's key to their moped and they got a bunch of parking tickets--then he tried to come at me about a month later and I was forced to kick his ass repeatedly til someone pulled me off him.
39) I was named "Salesperson of the Year" for a large international company
40) I once had a huge crush on a girl and wrote her poems and sent them to her, then never asked her out because I was afraid she would say "no".
What an idiot--it was just friggin high school, for God's sake.
41) I once had a huge crush on a girl and waited in line with her for 2 hours to donate blood because she was a (authentic and sincere and wonderful) "tree-hugging" save-the-world type person, and even used my whole Spring Break to go on a mission trip with her to work in an orphanage. I also used $12 of my last $18 in the world to pay for Chinese food for us because we were both at the restaurant at the same time. I never asked her out once.
Glad I didn't
42) At least 2 different times in my life, I have had dreams so vivid that I woke up the next morning, canceled all my plans, and acted on what my dream told me to do (both times it worked out perfectly, too).
For the record, I do not believe in: ghosts, ESP, UFO's/extraterrestrials, bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster
43) My wife and I were baptized on the same day, September 21st, many years before we ever met.
Not the same year. It was of our own free will and, no, it was not down in the river (next to the van)
44) When I first saw my wife it was literally love at first sight, and I turned to my friend and told him "That's the girl I'm going to marry."
I may have done that before, though, I really don't remember...But I did ask her to marry me after our second date (in the breakroom at work).
45) I have 2 different birth certificates with 2 different names on them.
Weird, huh?
46) I once made a "ninja move" and killed a rat with a 2'x4' with one swing
Hi-yah!
47) I once caught a fish with a piece of string and a chunk of styrofoam (no hook)
Saw a bunch of kids feeding bread to them every night...
48) I studied Latin and received a silver medal on the National Latin Exam. I have had at least brief conversations with others in at least 6 languages (not including Latin).
I know, what a geek. Languages I am fluent in: Spanish, American Sign Language (previous girlfriend's family was all deaf) Kinda know: Lao (previous roommate--I crack his parents up), French, Italian (kinda like Latin) Can say some words: German, Japanese (Also, in American Indian: Shestasahoyataheh = "hello walking bear shit", does that count toward something?)
49) I once was coaxed into impromptu playing "wipeout" on the drums, complete with fast-paced solos and without sheet music at a large gathering with a bunch of strangers
Other than that, I pretty much sucked at drums--that was the peak of my performance career
50) I have officially been on the rolls of the churches of 4 different denominations in my life: I was born Catholic, was christened, and even have Godparents. I was baptized in the Baptist church at the age of 13. (Oddly enough, it's always felt like I was talking to the same God).
So now you know...
04 February 2005
See if you can spot the Untrue story
Just an excuse to tell more stories about myself: Which of these things didn't really happen to me?
1) I have been to both the FBI Academy and Secret Service Academy where I shot fully automatic Uzi's.
2) I have been in a gunfight, and I've been shot with a shotgun.
3) I've shot arrows (with points) high into the air and then tried to catch them as they come down.
4) I've been in the halftime show at Texas Stadium during a Dallas Cowboys game.
5) I've seen the Queen of England
6) I've been explicitly propositioned by a girl who later sent me a card reading "Good Luck with the Maggots!'
7) Bono from U2 gave me (personally, and really) a "Thumbs Up"
8) I have invented something, made a prototype, and have almost sent it in for a patent (but probably won't)
9) I have been offered the services of a hit man
10) I know someone who made $40,000 in one day in a true pyramid scheme
11) I have received an award for helping save someone's life after a car accident
12) I have swum a mile (swimmed? swamed?)
13) I have assisted with research in Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease, Cancer, Leukemia, Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Breast Cancer.
14) I have never seen illegal drugs in my life, or been offered to try them (please don't).
15) I have cried at the opera
16) I cry when I see beautiful impressionist paintings
17) I once gave a speech at NASA
18) I once had a performance review where I angered the manager so much that she lost her mind, used the F-word at least 20 times, and stormed out of the room. Because I needed the job very badly, I sat there and didn't say anything and never mentioned it to anybody. She was later fired.
19) I have never broken a bone in my body
20) I was an Eagle Scout and was named "Scout of the Year"
21) I once slept in the woods without a tent and hiked 14 miles in the hills one day completely by myself.
22) I've been hit by a car and lay in the street in a puddle of blood til someone found me.
23) I've been injured in the country and had to ride over 100 miles in an ambulance
24) I'm paralyzed by fear in front of large groups, but I've emceed at a large gathering including telling jokes in front of everyone.
25) I lived very near a bear's den and used to go watch it all the time
26) I once accidentally went deer hunting out of season
27) I once dumped a girl by moving and never calling her again (a year later I went to the dentist and it was her mom)
28) I once wrote a story called "The most Influential Person in My life" and lied about who that person was.
29) I didn't see the ocean until after I was 20 years old, despite visiting Seattle, Boston, and Washington D.C. before that time.
30) I once handcuffed my brother, tied him up with socks, stuffed him in a sleeping bag, put him in a box, and piled stuff on top of the box (Sorry, Don).
31) I've had a job and have made my own money since I was 10 years old
32) I was truly "Separated at Birth" and have never met my biological father, and then, this year at age 34, found out that I had a sister that I had no idea existed.
33) I once won a door prize worth over $1000.
34) I can type about 70 wpm
35) I was expelled from Elementary school for throwing a desk at a teacher
36) My overall fight record: 8 wins, 1 loss (retired) (Note: 2 wins by knockout, loss to Alberto Guerrera, April 10, 1982) (last fight April 10, 1989)
37) I've had unexpected windfalls of (a lot of $$) 3 times in my life
38) I've been screwed out of (a lot of $$), and screwed someone out of $175 one time and couldn't pay him (see #36).
39) I was named "Salesperson of the Year" for a large international company
40) I once had a huge crush on a girl and wrote her poems and sent them to her, then never asked her out because I was afraid she would say "no".
41) I once had a huge crush on a girl and waited in line with her for 2 hours to donate blood because she was a (authentic and sincere and wonderful) "tree-hugging" save-the-world type person, and even used my whole Spring Break to go on a mission trip with her to work in an orphanage. I also used $12 of my last $18 in the world to pay for Chinese food for us because we were both at the restaurant at the same time. I never asked her out once.
42) At least 2 different times in my life, I have had dreams so vivid that I woke up the next morning, canceled all my plans, and acted on what my dream told me to do (both times it worked out perfectly, too).
43) My wife and I were baptized on the same day, September 21st, many years before we ever met.
44) When I first saw my wife it was literally love at first sight, and I turned to my friend and told him "That's the girl I'm going to marry."
45) I have 2 different birth certificates with 2 different names on them.
46) I once made a "ninja move" and killed a rat with a 2'x4' with one swing
47) I once caught a fish with a piece of string and a chunk of styrofoam (no hook)
48) I studied Latin and received a silver medal on the National Latin Exam. I have had at least brief conversations with others in at least 6 languages (not including Latin).
49) I once was coaxed into impromptu playing "wipeout" on the drums, complete with fast-paced solos and without sheet music at a large gathering with a bunch of strangers
50) I have officially been on the rolls of the churches of 4 different denominations in my life: I was born Catholic, was christened, and even have Godparents. I was baptized in the Baptist church at the age of 13. (Oddly enough, it's always felt like I was talking to the same God).
In case you haven't figured it out, all of these are true...I just didn't feel like lying today. Some were told from a dramatic viewpoint (the "gunfight" was a bb gun fight, but still not a good idea, and I was "shot" across a field while bird hunting, which hurt like hell but probably wasn't sooooo dangerous).
If you want a detailed explanation, you're gonna have to ask...
Adios!
M
1) I have been to both the FBI Academy and Secret Service Academy where I shot fully automatic Uzi's.
2) I have been in a gunfight, and I've been shot with a shotgun.
3) I've shot arrows (with points) high into the air and then tried to catch them as they come down.
4) I've been in the halftime show at Texas Stadium during a Dallas Cowboys game.
5) I've seen the Queen of England
6) I've been explicitly propositioned by a girl who later sent me a card reading "Good Luck with the Maggots!'
7) Bono from U2 gave me (personally, and really) a "Thumbs Up"
8) I have invented something, made a prototype, and have almost sent it in for a patent (but probably won't)
9) I have been offered the services of a hit man
10) I know someone who made $40,000 in one day in a true pyramid scheme
11) I have received an award for helping save someone's life after a car accident
12) I have swum a mile (swimmed? swamed?)
13) I have assisted with research in Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinson's Disease, Cancer, Leukemia, Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Breast Cancer.
14) I have never seen illegal drugs in my life, or been offered to try them (please don't).
15) I have cried at the opera
16) I cry when I see beautiful impressionist paintings
17) I once gave a speech at NASA
18) I once had a performance review where I angered the manager so much that she lost her mind, used the F-word at least 20 times, and stormed out of the room. Because I needed the job very badly, I sat there and didn't say anything and never mentioned it to anybody. She was later fired.
19) I have never broken a bone in my body
20) I was an Eagle Scout and was named "Scout of the Year"
21) I once slept in the woods without a tent and hiked 14 miles in the hills one day completely by myself.
22) I've been hit by a car and lay in the street in a puddle of blood til someone found me.
23) I've been injured in the country and had to ride over 100 miles in an ambulance
24) I'm paralyzed by fear in front of large groups, but I've emceed at a large gathering including telling jokes in front of everyone.
25) I lived very near a bear's den and used to go watch it all the time
26) I once accidentally went deer hunting out of season
27) I once dumped a girl by moving and never calling her again (a year later I went to the dentist and it was her mom)
28) I once wrote a story called "The most Influential Person in My life" and lied about who that person was.
29) I didn't see the ocean until after I was 20 years old, despite visiting Seattle, Boston, and Washington D.C. before that time.
30) I once handcuffed my brother, tied him up with socks, stuffed him in a sleeping bag, put him in a box, and piled stuff on top of the box (Sorry, Don).
31) I've had a job and have made my own money since I was 10 years old
32) I was truly "Separated at Birth" and have never met my biological father, and then, this year at age 34, found out that I had a sister that I had no idea existed.
33) I once won a door prize worth over $1000.
34) I can type about 70 wpm
35) I was expelled from Elementary school for throwing a desk at a teacher
36) My overall fight record: 8 wins, 1 loss (retired) (Note: 2 wins by knockout, loss to Alberto Guerrera, April 10, 1982) (last fight April 10, 1989)
37) I've had unexpected windfalls of (a lot of $$) 3 times in my life
38) I've been screwed out of (a lot of $$), and screwed someone out of $175 one time and couldn't pay him (see #36).
39) I was named "Salesperson of the Year" for a large international company
40) I once had a huge crush on a girl and wrote her poems and sent them to her, then never asked her out because I was afraid she would say "no".
41) I once had a huge crush on a girl and waited in line with her for 2 hours to donate blood because she was a (authentic and sincere and wonderful) "tree-hugging" save-the-world type person, and even used my whole Spring Break to go on a mission trip with her to work in an orphanage. I also used $12 of my last $18 in the world to pay for Chinese food for us because we were both at the restaurant at the same time. I never asked her out once.
42) At least 2 different times in my life, I have had dreams so vivid that I woke up the next morning, canceled all my plans, and acted on what my dream told me to do (both times it worked out perfectly, too).
43) My wife and I were baptized on the same day, September 21st, many years before we ever met.
44) When I first saw my wife it was literally love at first sight, and I turned to my friend and told him "That's the girl I'm going to marry."
45) I have 2 different birth certificates with 2 different names on them.
46) I once made a "ninja move" and killed a rat with a 2'x4' with one swing
47) I once caught a fish with a piece of string and a chunk of styrofoam (no hook)
48) I studied Latin and received a silver medal on the National Latin Exam. I have had at least brief conversations with others in at least 6 languages (not including Latin).
49) I once was coaxed into impromptu playing "wipeout" on the drums, complete with fast-paced solos and without sheet music at a large gathering with a bunch of strangers
50) I have officially been on the rolls of the churches of 4 different denominations in my life: I was born Catholic, was christened, and even have Godparents. I was baptized in the Baptist church at the age of 13. (Oddly enough, it's always felt like I was talking to the same God).
In case you haven't figured it out, all of these are true...I just didn't feel like lying today. Some were told from a dramatic viewpoint (the "gunfight" was a bb gun fight, but still not a good idea, and I was "shot" across a field while bird hunting, which hurt like hell but probably wasn't sooooo dangerous).
If you want a detailed explanation, you're gonna have to ask...
Adios!
M
03 February 2005
Greatest American Hero
I remember this was a show in the early '80's--the premise was that this alien ship gives a goofy, Art Garfunkel-esque guy a superhero uniform with special powers, and then the instructions blow away and it is always doing something unexpected...Also, I remember the theme song was "groovy" (and strangely enough, I really mean that seriously).
The point is, I'M the Greatest American Hero. That is, in my stories, at least...I may try to trick you and sucker you in with some self-deprecating humor, or even stories that make me look a little like the bad guy, but the overall theme is: “Mike is going through the world with the best of intentions”. I wonder if that's really true. I'd like to think it is, but I wonder if the "Bad Guys" think: "You know, I'm going to screw over so and so..." or "heh heh heh--what Evil can I work on the world today..."
Maybe it was because more than one person has nicknamed me "All American"...maybe it sank too far into my head...
I read somewhere that it is more endearing to people when they make a first impression to be competent yet fallible than to be strictly competent. The test was to set up a situation where an unwitting assistant is supposed to meet a “brilliant” guy who is coming in for an interview. The guy is very handsome and well spoken. They re-run the test with an equally competent person, but this time he “accidentally” spills a glass of water and politely helps clean it up. “Waterboy” is always selected as a more likeable person!
This just flashed in my mind: Have you ever met someone who is super-cool but completely MELTS DOWN when there is a problem. Maybe this situation settles that doubt, or even possibly makes the observer feel more in control of the situation, like they have the upper hand now since the guy in question has made a mistake in their presence.
You wanna know something a little sick? Armed with this knowledge, I’ve actually used this technique to further my sales career. Especially if I feel like someone is either intimidated by me or just doesn't trust me, which actually does happen sometimes. I’m pretty good at my job, and know a lot about my field, and by default I’m kind of a type-A personality, driver kind of guy (which I struggle against sometimes because I don’t want to die of a heart attack just yet please). So, if I walk in and feel like I’ve been a little too aggressive or someone really has their defenses up, I may drop my pen or point out something awkward like the fact that I have run out of business cards or don’t have the information that I need to give them (like a brochure or something)—it usually works to loosen things up a little.
Here’s a situation that has happened more than once. I’m carefully watching someone’s body language and they have their arms crossed and they aren’t telling me everything openly about what they need. My job, without getting into too much detail, is to talk to scientists and find out about an area of their research, then design custom equipment (out of a variety of about 2000 existing parts, not out an erector set or raw materials or anything like that) that fits their needs. If they don’t tell me what they are working on, invariably I will miss something very important that they need down the road (I really hate that I use “down the road” all the time). A lot of times, the scientist wants to try to take the burden on him or herself to try to learn all about our equipment so they don’t get “screwed” by having to purchase something they don’t need—which is a valid concern because unfortunately our equipment is indecipherable to the human brain without years of training. It’s kind of a standoff. And they hold the cards.
So…to break the ice, I may fumble around in my briefcase and say “Before I forget, let me get you one of my cards….Ahhh, you know what? I just gave away my last one! Sorry about that, I guess I’m not much of a salesman, huh?” Sometimes it works, sometimes it really makes them hate me (but only the overanalytical assholes who I really don't care to work with anyway).
True story: One time, while writing a (extremely large) order for me, a customer told me “The other guy is a better salesman than you, but I’m ordering this from you because I think the product is better and I know you’ll help me with the equipment when it gets in.” Hee Hee! How good could the other guy be if he just lost a huge order?
Side Note: Salespeople get a BAD rap because of cheesy tricks like the one I just described previously. And here I go reinforcing it. The way I go to bed at night is knowing that I actually am going to help this person when they need it, but, yes, there are people that use similar techniques to gain sympathy and thus more business, then leave the customers out in the cold. I call that “strip mining”—those people tend to change jobs every 2-4 years in our industry, but while they are around they can be successful.
I even know 2 people that pimp their family to gain sympathy all the time—I really try hard not to talk about family things with customers. I think that’s a double-edged sword—it may be a little endearing, like, “Oh, so this guy has a soul after all…” But I also see them trying to reach me on Friday afternoon, muttering to themselves “Yeah, I bet he’s packed up the station wagon and he’s driving his family to the lake already while I’m stuck here working all weekend.”—It kind of gives them too many things to make a mental picture with. Or maybe I’m just more private than that. These 2 people I mentioned tell all kinds of sob stories about their kids and wife that died of cancer and all their hardships—believe it or not, it really works for them! But I’ve also had people comment that it completely turns them off and they resent the manipulation.
So…as the hero of my own stories, I will give you an interpretive look at some of my common themes:
Superficial story theme: Look at this goofy guy: (referring to someone else)
Mike superhero theme: Super Observation Powers and a Super Goofy Guy detector!
Theme: Wow! I really screwed up!
SuperMike theme: I have an incredible X-Ray Soul vision and turbo self-correction power!
Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in an obscure reference
SuperMike: Super Memory and a deadly arsenal of knowledge
Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in the word “shit”
SuperMike: …and he blends in seamlessly with the common man
Theme: I really bitched someone out today
SuperMike: Against my will, I confronted someone with the perfect balance of truth and aggressiveness to get their attention and help them be a better person (SuperIntentions?)
Theme: Look at this random crap that happened
SuperMike theme: Impervious to all assault, he continues on his mission.
The real problem is that, even after analyzing myself as coldly and maliciously as possible, I still feel like I’m a hero. And I really do want to save the world. And I really do try. And that’s what I’m all about.
The End
The point is, I'M the Greatest American Hero. That is, in my stories, at least...I may try to trick you and sucker you in with some self-deprecating humor, or even stories that make me look a little like the bad guy, but the overall theme is: “Mike is going through the world with the best of intentions”. I wonder if that's really true. I'd like to think it is, but I wonder if the "Bad Guys" think: "You know, I'm going to screw over so and so..." or "heh heh heh--what Evil can I work on the world today..."
Maybe it was because more than one person has nicknamed me "All American"...maybe it sank too far into my head...
I read somewhere that it is more endearing to people when they make a first impression to be competent yet fallible than to be strictly competent. The test was to set up a situation where an unwitting assistant is supposed to meet a “brilliant” guy who is coming in for an interview. The guy is very handsome and well spoken. They re-run the test with an equally competent person, but this time he “accidentally” spills a glass of water and politely helps clean it up. “Waterboy” is always selected as a more likeable person!
This just flashed in my mind: Have you ever met someone who is super-cool but completely MELTS DOWN when there is a problem. Maybe this situation settles that doubt, or even possibly makes the observer feel more in control of the situation, like they have the upper hand now since the guy in question has made a mistake in their presence.
You wanna know something a little sick? Armed with this knowledge, I’ve actually used this technique to further my sales career. Especially if I feel like someone is either intimidated by me or just doesn't trust me, which actually does happen sometimes. I’m pretty good at my job, and know a lot about my field, and by default I’m kind of a type-A personality, driver kind of guy (which I struggle against sometimes because I don’t want to die of a heart attack just yet please). So, if I walk in and feel like I’ve been a little too aggressive or someone really has their defenses up, I may drop my pen or point out something awkward like the fact that I have run out of business cards or don’t have the information that I need to give them (like a brochure or something)—it usually works to loosen things up a little.
Here’s a situation that has happened more than once. I’m carefully watching someone’s body language and they have their arms crossed and they aren’t telling me everything openly about what they need. My job, without getting into too much detail, is to talk to scientists and find out about an area of their research, then design custom equipment (out of a variety of about 2000 existing parts, not out an erector set or raw materials or anything like that) that fits their needs. If they don’t tell me what they are working on, invariably I will miss something very important that they need down the road (I really hate that I use “down the road” all the time). A lot of times, the scientist wants to try to take the burden on him or herself to try to learn all about our equipment so they don’t get “screwed” by having to purchase something they don’t need—which is a valid concern because unfortunately our equipment is indecipherable to the human brain without years of training. It’s kind of a standoff. And they hold the cards.
So…to break the ice, I may fumble around in my briefcase and say “Before I forget, let me get you one of my cards….Ahhh, you know what? I just gave away my last one! Sorry about that, I guess I’m not much of a salesman, huh?” Sometimes it works, sometimes it really makes them hate me (but only the overanalytical assholes who I really don't care to work with anyway).
True story: One time, while writing a (extremely large) order for me, a customer told me “The other guy is a better salesman than you, but I’m ordering this from you because I think the product is better and I know you’ll help me with the equipment when it gets in.” Hee Hee! How good could the other guy be if he just lost a huge order?
Side Note: Salespeople get a BAD rap because of cheesy tricks like the one I just described previously. And here I go reinforcing it. The way I go to bed at night is knowing that I actually am going to help this person when they need it, but, yes, there are people that use similar techniques to gain sympathy and thus more business, then leave the customers out in the cold. I call that “strip mining”—those people tend to change jobs every 2-4 years in our industry, but while they are around they can be successful.
I even know 2 people that pimp their family to gain sympathy all the time—I really try hard not to talk about family things with customers. I think that’s a double-edged sword—it may be a little endearing, like, “Oh, so this guy has a soul after all…” But I also see them trying to reach me on Friday afternoon, muttering to themselves “Yeah, I bet he’s packed up the station wagon and he’s driving his family to the lake already while I’m stuck here working all weekend.”—It kind of gives them too many things to make a mental picture with. Or maybe I’m just more private than that. These 2 people I mentioned tell all kinds of sob stories about their kids and wife that died of cancer and all their hardships—believe it or not, it really works for them! But I’ve also had people comment that it completely turns them off and they resent the manipulation.
So…as the hero of my own stories, I will give you an interpretive look at some of my common themes:
Superficial story theme: Look at this goofy guy: (referring to someone else)
Mike superhero theme: Super Observation Powers and a Super Goofy Guy detector!
Theme: Wow! I really screwed up!
SuperMike theme: I have an incredible X-Ray Soul vision and turbo self-correction power!
Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in an obscure reference
SuperMike: Super Memory and a deadly arsenal of knowledge
Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in the word “shit”
SuperMike: …and he blends in seamlessly with the common man
Theme: I really bitched someone out today
SuperMike: Against my will, I confronted someone with the perfect balance of truth and aggressiveness to get their attention and help them be a better person (SuperIntentions?)
Theme: Look at this random crap that happened
SuperMike theme: Impervious to all assault, he continues on his mission.
The real problem is that, even after analyzing myself as coldly and maliciously as possible, I still feel like I’m a hero. And I really do want to save the world. And I really do try. And that’s what I’m all about.
The End
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