CSI:Kenmore

For those without Tivo, it changes your world. And your mindset. The other day, there were a lot of hectic things going on around them, and my son told Fran (my wife) to "Pause the world!"--then he laughed and commented that they had left the remote at home.

First a little news: Offline, I've written about 80 pages of my first novel. I'm going to wait until my first draft is completely done before I share any of it. It is pretty different from this journal writing, but I want to throw in a little more subtle humor to keep it interesting reading. The real trick is going to be editing. Here's a funny story: Don read about my (as yet unfinished) encounter with a serial killer and told me "I think it's wordy" (My response: here is the edited version of Huckleberry Finn: Two guys go down the river.). But Don is an editor for a...I just realized I don't know what the hell Don does...commodities trading journal--so he has to cut down writers that get paid by the word(?) (See my post "I am such a liar"--No, Don's not a liar--except about some tapes that went missing from my room while we were growing up (just kidding Don! Yes, I've let that go).... but I think he's supposed to write like the instruction manual to a dishwasher).

In another ADD momentary digression--As soon as I wrote that entry, my dishwasher suddenly revolted and broke down on us. They sent a guy in to fix it that, seriously listen to this : LOVED Dishwashers. He goes home and watches his dishwasher working (seriously). He knew so much about dishwashers that it made me embarassed that I knew so little. I call this the Radio Shack Syndrome--the ability of someone who has cornered the market on trivial knowledge that endeavors to make you feel stupid about a trivial subject.

Me: I would like to buy some 9V batteries
Radio Shack worker: What type of 9V batteries?
Me (thinking I'm smart): Just the regular kind
RS dude: There's no such thing.
Me (pausing, waiting for guy to say something else)
Me: I thought batteries are batteries--I just want a 9 volt
RS dude (sighing in disgust): What's the transistor power and amperage of the device?
Me: You've gotta be kidding me - you don't have to be an electrical engineer to buy batteries!
RS: (staring, adjusting pocket protector)
Me: Should I just walk across the street and get them from Albertson's?
RS: What is this going in?
Me: A Remote Control car for my son
RS a-hole: Is it motor type T-93 or C2400?
Me (sheepishly walking out, stunned): What the hell is this? How can you make me feel dumb about freakin' batteries? If this guy is so smart, why does he drive that shitty looking Ford Escort with the Yanni sticker on the back?

So, back to dishwasher man: He began a CSI-like investigation into what ours was doing, and we figured out that there was a weird series of events:

1) Our dishwasher came installed with 4 months worth of Jet-Dry pre-installed (we bought it in May).
2) Apparently, Jet-Dry makes your dishes, like, unbelieveably cleaner
3) Wal-Mart had a sale on little dishwasher bricks which had a Jet-Dry ball built-in. Me, being Mr. Stock Up, bought 2 huge packages.
4) Me, being addle-minded and not remembering significant things like, Oh yeah, you haven't had a checkup in 7 years or oh yeah, you haven't changed your oil in 7000 miles, completely forgot about anything except "Yep. We're set for dishwasher soap!"
4) Perfectly coinciding with a breakdown of the heating element, we ran out of these Jet-Dry built-in dishwasher thingies.
5) Even after the heating element was replaced, our dishes weren't getting clean.
6) Mr. Rain Man dishwasher dude determines that our washer ran out of Jet-Dry and, since we ran out of these pre-loaded ones, we weren't using a "rinse agent", resulting in lowered performance of the dishwasher.

In case you are interested:
1) He doesn't put the soap in the soap holder--he throws it inside the dishwasher "We don't like the popping sound it makes when it opens up..." Well, I guess I don't either, but I didn't realize that was an option.
2) "My wife and I got this exact same dishwasher model, but we got the stainless steel interior so I could adjust the operating temperature in the control panel and make the dishes get washed with hotter water, which dries better with no spots" (Fascinating)
3) Apparently, he has trained his wife to listen for the "rinse cycle" to kick on--then she quickly opens the door to the dishwasher and shakes the racks to remove excess water--this helps the dishes get "extra dry" with no spots...
4) He kept closing his eyes and going into a zen-like trance with both hands on my dishwasher, which was fine with me, I guess.

10 minutes til Wapner!