Shadow Boxing

I've found myself in a battle--and I'm fighting against my wlll.

There's a guy at work, Brett, that I just CAN'T STAND. He's an ignorant cretan. It's actually not that I can't stand him, but more like: I wish I didn't have to deal with him.

Once, I took the warehouse manager out for lunch to let him know how much I appreciate all his extra efforts--he's one of these guys that has a bias for getting things done. I like that kind of person, and they're rare sometimes. Plenty of people hide out in the beauracratic mess and do as little as they can--which brings us to Brett. When he found out I took Chris out for lunch, Brett started lobbying for the same treatment. Then he suggested to me that my work might get done faster if I brought him a case of beer, which really pissed me off. Unfortunately, Brett can screw me up in a couple of different ways: His job is to put the $2500 computer together which runs the $100,000 systems that we sell--but the systems don't ship until the computer is assembled. He can delay me pretty significantly (and has). Also, he can jack with the settings of computers and inconvenience our customers and make me look bad, because ultimately I'm the one standing there like a dope when the machine comes on at the customer's location. The problem is, he's relatively incompetent, so a claim of ignorance from him is pretty beliveable. The last thing is that my company doesn't fire you unless you stab your mother--directly in front of the CEO.

Brett's a pretty big guy, and full of himself, and it probably doesn't help things that I totally killed him in an arm-wrestling competition one time. Brett does it all the time in bars, apparently, and this was supposed to be a setup because he is rumored to be pretty much unbeatable. Unbeknownst to me, he had already defeated 6 guys on different days when I walked into the warehouse. Me, the nerdy family guy, should be an easy target. When I kicked his ass, the whole place erupted and the other guys were dogging him for weeks about how he got beat--because they knew it got to him pretty bad.

Other than the fact that he tried to force me to bribe him, this guy is a dirtbag on other, even more creative ways--he's got 4 or 5 different kids from different moms, smokes like a chimney, and got picked up for DUI after one of our holiday parties. The State of California tracked him down and did a paternity test on him for a one-night stand from 11 years ago--apparently the girl has been getting welfare all this time and now they are charging Brett for it, which I think is wrong and is financially ruining this guy. I'm sure there is a morality lesson to be learned here, but in reality he's getting nailed for this person's lifestyle choice (welfare) and he didn't have any say over it (like him taking custody of the kid). I overheard this story while inhaling a month's worth of secondhand smoke from Brett during a break.

So here's the sequence of events. We started off civilly, and Brett has always done a pretty mediocre job of computer building. Then he ran into many personal problems. Then I smoked him at arm-wrestling. Then he started doing a terrible job on computer building. Then several customers complained, as well as some other reps, and this got back to Brett (I have never said anything about him to anyone). Then he accused me of trying to get him fired. Then that put that thought in my head, like "Hmmm....maybe they told him if he didn't do a good job he could be fired...Maybe this could be used for subtle motivation when he starts talking shit." So when he was being particularly mouthy to me, I commented, "You know, Brett, you must feel very secure in your job to be talking to people this way..." Well, that backfired. He went bananas and still hasn't let that one go. And it launched a war.

Another, more mischevious co-worker of mine, has picked up on this and keeps fueling the flames--and uses it to his advantage. He has bought the case of beer for Brett, taken him out to lunch, and continuously asks about the war "between us"--it's in his best interests to stir it up because it let's Brett take extra good care of him to show that there is a difference in treatment for those he likes. In reality, I see this guy maybe 15-20 minutes per week.

On Valentine's day, Brett signed up for some Email Valentines with my Email account from work and sent bizzarely worded Emails to my boss and another co-worker. The funny part is, of course, that everyone know it was him. He even used wording that only he uses. Even then, I just laughed and let it go...but my boss was seriously ticked and called him in.

And the war goes on. Or more like "Battle of the Ants". I'm wondering if I should dump a bucket of water on this dork.

The funny thing about this is, other than the "job security" thing, I really was just an observer--this guy has just had a lot of problems and I think they just all focused at one point in time. Other than his being a dirtbag, I seriously could not care less about this guy. But when he starts this business with the Email account, it's serious business. It reminds me of the scene in Grosse Pointe Blank when John Cusak asks the guy "Do you really think there's something between you and me?"

Sometimes, I feel like there is a capital account of BS that you are granted when you start a job, and I don't want to burn it on a stupid, insignificant issue like this--I may need capital for something real sometime, like getting a promotion, increasing my territory, getting a new laptop, etc. These silly interpersonal things are just retarded.