Conversations

I'm warning you--I'm feeling a little sentimental because we just had a birthday party for my son, and I'm possibly in danger of being a little over-sentimental. But maybe I just need to be in that frame of mind to think back on stages of my life. I went to sleep last night thanking God for my kids and the new depths of love that I've found for them. Thinking about my own family situation and what it would take to drive that love out of my soul...it's unfathomable to me.

Through my life, the thing that has gotten me through is an ongoing dialog with God. An atheist would interject here and say it's been a monologue to myself in which I work out my own problems. I really just can't buy that, but the burden of proof lies with me in this case, and the proof process is tiresome. So, based on the assumption that I'm not delusional and that my faith is justified, I am listing prayers I remember:

1) I clearly remember around age 8 or so praying for wisdom in my life. This was done privately in my bedroom. I was inspired by Solomon doing the same thing, and this wisdom blessing him in other ways. I felt a little guilty hoping it would bless me in other ways, too, but stuck to asking for wisdom. This was the beginning of my dialog, and I feel like it was answered. Intelligence, of course, is another matter--I remain ignorant in many things, but wisdom/perspective seems to be an ingrained piece of my personality. After this point, I always felt that I had some objectivity about the events around me, even things that directly affected me. Childish whim, anger, depression, mistakes, etc. still were part of me, but I would almost immediately be able to discern the overall importance of such things. As though someone gave me one of those corny pairs of x-ray glasses that really don't work, but in some twist of humorous fate, mine did work and I could see through problems.

Here's a little creepy aside--I don't know if this happens to everyone, but while I was growing up, I had SEVERAL times where a teacher, random adult, relative, or even strangers kind of pulled me aside and told me in a Twilight-Zone-esqe style that they could see that God had blessed me, and that I was a special, important person. I can think of at least 5 times specifically, but perhaps even more.

2) When I was about 12, I prayed like crazy that God would give me a certain girlfriend named Bethany. Garth Brooks wrote a song called "Unanswered Prayers"--I'm not a huge fan, but when I hear this song (right before I run away and/or change the station) I think of Bethany (trust me here, I set the bar pretty low for myself). I guess God knew what he was doing, because he sent the right person to me at the right time. The point is, he was included in my plans. Maybe a little naive at the time, but I had the conversation with him--If I had talked to anyone else about this girl around my house, I would have been mocked and undercut the whole way.

3) When I was about 14, I prayed that God would just let me die. I was so unhappy and had no hope. I had been in a child abuse shelter and had tried to get the police to help me with my home situation. In a bizarre twist, I managed to get the most incompetent social worker and a lazy cop and between them, they empowered my parents, closed my file, and made my life hell. If this hadn't happened, I would have definitely gone into "the system" and I wonder what the outcome would have been. After this rock bottom moment, I had hope that someday I would get away from "all that".

4) When I was 19, my world collapsed again when I was abruptly and unexpectedly yanked out of college after my first year. I'm always defensive about telling people that because I assume that they think I flunked out or did something to get kicked out (neither). When I was down like this, I just prayed that God would open doors for me and show me what to do.

On the exact same Saturday that I was supposed to be moving into my dorm for my Sophomore year, I went on my first date with Fran. I was down, and this changed me forever, eventually disrupting my plans of med school and fame and fortune, but in a way this was answered prayer as well--I got a lot of opened doors from that point in my education and career that are otherwise inexplicable.

5) When I found out we were going to have kids (both of them), I prayed that God would make them healthy. I know that our faith gets tested in many ways, but I prayed intensely that God would spare me from being tested through my children's health. I don't think I could handle that--I'm not interested in finding that out, and I fear it.

6) In 2003, I prayed that God would deepen my faith. I learned that this requires true soul-searching by me, and that takes a lot of effort and thought. I gained appreciation for people who have quietly and humbly gone through this in an attempt to figure it all out. I gained a healthy skepticisim about people and the slant they put on things. I've just scratched the surface here, and go through alternating times of feeling deeply about it and putting it out of my mind--but my conversations with God continue like a secret conversation in my quietest times.

7) Last year I prayed that I could just have more peace in my life. Don't know if enough time has passed for my perspective to stay true over time, but the answer seemed to be "In order to have peace, your wounds must heal" And that meant opening some of them up again, some of them very publicly. Maybe 34 is too young to have a mid-life crisis. I'm not sure I'm going to live that long, anyway. Another country song: Tim McGraw's "Live Like you were Dying"--focuses on doing things that you've been holding yourself back from doing. I thought it was interesting that he included that he "Gave forgiveness I've been denying" in the list.

I'm not sure if this is interesting to others--I'm looking at 2 buttons: One says "Save as Draft" and one says "Publish Post", and I'm debating on which one to press. These conversations with God are an intensely personal thing to me, and they've shaped who I am today. Some people that I've sent my blog entries to have commented that they really enjoyed them and almost seemed surprised that maybe there was more going on than I let on. Maybe it's better not to leave the world without letting other people know how I've managed to get through it relatively happily and successfully.