Greatest American Hero

I remember this was a show in the early '80's--the premise was that this alien ship gives a goofy, Art Garfunkel-esque guy a superhero uniform with special powers, and then the instructions blow away and it is always doing something unexpected...Also, I remember the theme song was "groovy" (and strangely enough, I really mean that seriously).

The point is, I'M the Greatest American Hero. That is, in my stories, at least...I may try to trick you and sucker you in with some self-deprecating humor, or even stories that make me look a little like the bad guy, but the overall theme is: “Mike is going through the world with the best of intentions”. I wonder if that's really true. I'd like to think it is, but I wonder if the "Bad Guys" think: "You know, I'm going to screw over so and so..." or "heh heh heh--what Evil can I work on the world today..."

Maybe it was because more than one person has nicknamed me "All American"...maybe it sank too far into my head...

I read somewhere that it is more endearing to people when they make a first impression to be competent yet fallible than to be strictly competent. The test was to set up a situation where an unwitting assistant is supposed to meet a “brilliant” guy who is coming in for an interview. The guy is very handsome and well spoken. They re-run the test with an equally competent person, but this time he “accidentally” spills a glass of water and politely helps clean it up. “Waterboy” is always selected as a more likeable person!

This just flashed in my mind: Have you ever met someone who is super-cool but completely MELTS DOWN when there is a problem. Maybe this situation settles that doubt, or even possibly makes the observer feel more in control of the situation, like they have the upper hand now since the guy in question has made a mistake in their presence.

You wanna know something a little sick? Armed with this knowledge, I’ve actually used this technique to further my sales career. Especially if I feel like someone is either intimidated by me or just doesn't trust me, which actually does happen sometimes. I’m pretty good at my job, and know a lot about my field, and by default I’m kind of a type-A personality, driver kind of guy (which I struggle against sometimes because I don’t want to die of a heart attack just yet please). So, if I walk in and feel like I’ve been a little too aggressive or someone really has their defenses up, I may drop my pen or point out something awkward like the fact that I have run out of business cards or don’t have the information that I need to give them (like a brochure or something)—it usually works to loosen things up a little.

Here’s a situation that has happened more than once. I’m carefully watching someone’s body language and they have their arms crossed and they aren’t telling me everything openly about what they need. My job, without getting into too much detail, is to talk to scientists and find out about an area of their research, then design custom equipment (out of a variety of about 2000 existing parts, not out an erector set or raw materials or anything like that) that fits their needs. If they don’t tell me what they are working on, invariably I will miss something very important that they need down the road (I really hate that I use “down the road” all the time). A lot of times, the scientist wants to try to take the burden on him or herself to try to learn all about our equipment so they don’t get “screwed” by having to purchase something they don’t need—which is a valid concern because unfortunately our equipment is indecipherable to the human brain without years of training. It’s kind of a standoff. And they hold the cards.

So…to break the ice, I may fumble around in my briefcase and say “Before I forget, let me get you one of my cards….Ahhh, you know what? I just gave away my last one! Sorry about that, I guess I’m not much of a salesman, huh?” Sometimes it works, sometimes it really makes them hate me (but only the overanalytical assholes who I really don't care to work with anyway).

True story: One time, while writing a (extremely large) order for me, a customer told me “The other guy is a better salesman than you, but I’m ordering this from you because I think the product is better and I know you’ll help me with the equipment when it gets in.” Hee Hee! How good could the other guy be if he just lost a huge order?

Side Note: Salespeople get a BAD rap because of cheesy tricks like the one I just described previously. And here I go reinforcing it. The way I go to bed at night is knowing that I actually am going to help this person when they need it, but, yes, there are people that use similar techniques to gain sympathy and thus more business, then leave the customers out in the cold. I call that “strip mining”—those people tend to change jobs every 2-4 years in our industry, but while they are around they can be successful.

I even know 2 people that pimp their family to gain sympathy all the time—I really try hard not to talk about family things with customers. I think that’s a double-edged sword—it may be a little endearing, like, “Oh, so this guy has a soul after all…” But I also see them trying to reach me on Friday afternoon, muttering to themselves “Yeah, I bet he’s packed up the station wagon and he’s driving his family to the lake already while I’m stuck here working all weekend.”—It kind of gives them too many things to make a mental picture with. Or maybe I’m just more private than that. These 2 people I mentioned tell all kinds of sob stories about their kids and wife that died of cancer and all their hardships—believe it or not, it really works for them! But I’ve also had people comment that it completely turns them off and they resent the manipulation.

So…as the hero of my own stories, I will give you an interpretive look at some of my common themes:

Superficial story theme: Look at this goofy guy: (referring to someone else)
Mike superhero theme: Super Observation Powers and a Super Goofy Guy detector!

Theme: Wow! I really screwed up!
SuperMike theme: I have an incredible X-Ray Soul vision and turbo self-correction power!

Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in an obscure reference
SuperMike: Super Memory and a deadly arsenal of knowledge

Theme: blah, blah, blah, work in the word “shit”
SuperMike: …and he blends in seamlessly with the common man

Theme: I really bitched someone out today
SuperMike: Against my will, I confronted someone with the perfect balance of truth and aggressiveness to get their attention and help them be a better person (SuperIntentions?)

Theme: Look at this random crap that happened
SuperMike theme: Impervious to all assault, he continues on his mission.

The real problem is that, even after analyzing myself as coldly and maliciously as possible, I still feel like I’m a hero. And I really do want to save the world. And I really do try. And that’s what I’m all about.

The End