Brain Dump

I've got about a million things to do today, but I'm so pissed off right now I thought I would take it out on my poor keyboard by slamming away for a few minutes. My inclination is to just hammer out my stream of consciousness and not look back, so here goes:

1) I am royally cranky that I have a report to do, and I can't make myself do it. The problem is that I am selling off some of my demonstration equipment, and when you do that, you have to fill out a multi-page form, which means that I have to write it out. My handwriting totally sucks. Not only that, but the information I need is located in about 4 different places, which all have to be collated perfectly. And, to top it off, one of these places is a report that has a list of all the equipment that I have on loan. Although I receive these once a week, when a change occurs, it is only updated about...once a millenium (slight exaggeration). So, if I have 10 pieces of the same equipment, and I sell one of those 10 pieces, I have to guess which reference # to use (no serial #'s available), and if I use one that's already been sold, it screws the whole system up (actually, it just screws me up--they don't bill it, never tell me about it, and I a) don't get the money for selling it and b) end up looking like I lost a piece of equipment, which they use to make you feel stupid. Sorry to bore you with that, but today I have a no-delete policy going, so I'll move on.

2) Still a little TO'd that Don won't send me a full body shot...
(Note to self: Stop all Napoleon Dynamite references immediately if you ever want to be taken seriously by anyone...)

3) So, I decided to do my best to improve the look of my blog and start including links. I linked to a sports page of a guy that I listen to on the radio, as well as one of Don's favorite blogs that he keeps whipping me to death over, called Dooce.com. Insert a smarmy voice here "Her blog is great--it's even won some Bloggie awards."

"Really? I read about that--when you win a "Bloggy" don't you just, like, get a coupon for 25% off your next meal at TGI Friday's? I think I saw one of those in the newspaper..."

"No, really, Mike. She's funny. She's got a little girl and she writes about her, all sweet and endearing, and then all of a sudden she throws in the word "fuck". It's hilarious."

"Really? Fuck you! Does that make me a witty stand-up comedian?"

"No, you just have to read it--it's clever...But I like your blog, too."

"Uh-huh. Well I held my name out of the running from the Bloggies this year out of protest. I mean, come on, I don't have enough anime' on my page to appeal to the masses. Didn't you read my Napoleon Dynamite entry? Come on, man--that was genius. You know, like "A Modest Proposal" meets...something."

"I dunno. Just keep going. You'll be okay."

4) Did anyone notice that my blog entitled "Just Hacking Away" was sandwiched between my entry on computer hacking and the one about me hacking up the snake? Hmmmm...didn't do that on purpose (especially since I didn't know about the snake's impending demise). Does it make me sound smarter to use the word "demise" than "death" or "shish-kabobing"? I use demise because I think it's funny to juxtapose that with a silly picture of a snake with an arrow through it. It would be even funnier if people were around to see me running around with my hands flapping like a little girl (my apologies to all little girls offended by this imagery). Also to see me walking around on pins and needles, flinching and twitching at every dark patch of ground for the rest of the day. When one of my dove decoys fell off the shelf in the garage and tapped me on the head while I was bending over the lawnmower, I almost went into cardiac arrest.

A couple of other notes on "Just Hacking Away" (I enjoyed writing that for some reason):

Is it cheeky to compare my picture to a Van Gogh? ("cheeky?" what are we, in freaking England?)

Did you notice that I fulfilled my desire to change the color of the sky, even after I wrote about how sick it was (it's linked to something or other within the story, but not displayed)?--I really have a problem with impulse control. Fran thought my modified picture looked like Armageddon (what is sackcloth, anyway?) and asked me to remove it from our kitchen counter.

Also, for the record, I do realize that "Starry Night" is a picture of the moon and not the sun--I can't control what pops into my walnut-sized brain...

5) Another thing is the writing thing. I have a confession to make: I'm a fraud. I'm not a writer, really (for some, this is less a confession and more a personal experience with reality). I'm just a hack wannabe. I'm just trying to make up for it with volume--the monkeys banging on typewriters who eventually crank out Shakespeare. Although I don't flatter myself and I'm somewhat allergic to bananas.

I now have 2 half-started books going as well as some ideas for books that I would like to work out. "Work out" means to attempt to write something that doesn't suck. One of these books is a kind-of gimmicky book that I would like to write for Ryan for Christmas next year. I thought it would be fun to do an adventure book with him as the star. Then, during the year, I take pictures of him that I can incorporate into the book. (see how I draw you in to cheering for me by making myself seem like nice dad? Don't let sympathy cloud your judgement.)

6) Here's the next part about writing: I've read several books about writing a novel. Once you have it written, revised, etc. and are ready to sell it, one way is to get an agent. I read a book by a successful book agent who says that there is kind of a "weeding out" process (naturally), to elminate wannabe, sucky writers who pine away on their blogs about wishing they could write... One thing he asks submitters is "what have you read lately?"

This question is intended to smoke out if you are current about what is popular in modern novels, and help determine what your tastes/motivations are. My truthful answer is that it's a combination of classical literature, sports books, and inspirational business books, combined with Nicole's blog. When I read a book that isn't a novel, I usually open to the middle of the book and read it backwards toward the front--I have no idea why I do this, but it keeps me entertained longer. That would probably make the agent spontaneously combust into laughter, so I broke down and read "The Firm" (yes, I know it's old, but it was used as an example in this book)--almost like a textbook to review the storytelling devices, logical progression, etc. It feels very cheesey writing this out...Good book, though.

One person whose name has been thrown out in every single stinking book is Sue Grafton. I am prepared to hate Sue Grafton. She reminds me of Sally in my 10th-grade geometry class who always seemed to know the answers and unfairly raised the bar for the rest of us. I think she probably is great at catering to the zombie-like morons that I see when I serve on jury duty (who are reading her books instead of listening to the judge). So I bought "R is for Ricochet", the whole time scoffing at the trite title (yes, I know it's a whole thing she's got going...)and read the first paragraph. Damn, she's really good. It pissed me off even more to know that she actually deserved the praise she gets.

7) Cards. I bought Thank You cards for people who were so kind to me and Ryan (Ryan and me?, Ryan and I?--uhuhuh...yup, I'm gonna be a writer: insert ..."bubba teeth" here...) when we went on our trip for spring break. I'm not good about the following cards: Birthday, Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Thank You, Get Well, Sympathy, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Mother's Day, Father's Day or any type of anyone's Anniversary. I'm golden for Flag Day.

I'm showing them to Fran, and she just completely loses control and starts laughing hysterically. An hour later, after the oxygen bottle runs out, she is able to formulate the words to explain: Apparently, one of the cards I bought is a "Mahogany" card. I'm like, so what? She tells me that Mahogany cards are for black people. Yep--the hand that is holding the rose on the card is possibly black--it's just a hand, it's dark--how am I supposed to know? What's so different about the way black people say "thank you"? Just because it's for black people, does it mean I can't use it? I think people already realize that I didn't come up with the picture and wording myself, and go and have it printed for just the right occasion--it's a representative platform that I use to add my personal notes, right?

Come on, people, I'm trying to be part of the solution, here...

So now I'm self-conscious about filling it out (does this consitute playing the race card?--Okay, I apologize for that one...) I was already self-conscious to begin with because it has been 2 months and I haven't sent the cards.

That's about it for the Brain Dump. Nothing else to see here