Not Found in the Sales Manual

After writing my apparently unremarkable Haikus the other day (which was fun for me, so...there!), I was driving to an appointment and couldn't shake the format out of my head. When I got to the parking garage, I whipped out the closest piece of paper, which happened to be a new business card of mine, and scribbled the following haiku on the back:

Why should I scramble
to help your ignorant ass
when you won't buy squat?

Then I stuffed it into my planner...(camera moves in for a foreshadowing close-up...) But...nice attitude, huh? Well, there's a little background.


It started in December of last year, when I received an Email from a prospective customer asking a question about a product's specifications.

I would like to avoid revealing exactly what I do and who I work for, but it's basically a form of technical sales. Not the type of sales that many people think of, where you are selling a commodity that someone can get from a retail store or something--this is more like custom-designed equipment that solves very specific problems for highly technical businesses and research-oriented people. So I'm used to dealing with very left-brained people who are very analytical (but it doesn't mean I like 'em...just kidding).

So, this guy's December Email is equivalent to someone buying a car and asking "What is the suggested tire pressure on the front right tire?". I mean, in the overall scheme of things, it was pretty insignificant no matter who you are or what you are doing. This happens sometimes when people read up on equipment, get disproportionally focused on the wrong thing, and don't want to trust me with advising them in their decision-making. Kinda like someone living underground and reading about what a sunset looks like without pictures--it would be hard to get the proper perspective. Almost everytime this type of thing happens, the person sending the Email is an Engineer. If you are an Engineer, let me help you out, here: Yes, that was a shot at YOU! Unfortunately, I don't have time to graph exactly how intense the shot is, provide a diagrammatical representation of exactly where it is aimed, or chart out a decision-tree as to how you should handle it. Good Luck.

Emailing back and forth with Engineer-boy was a trip. Unfortunately, he was under the idea that his purchase was going to be the highlight of my life, and he was trying to make me jump through hoops to earn his business (It actually amounted to less than 1 day's sales quota).

The way my job is organized, we are (seriously) supposed to cut someone like this loose instead of letting them take advantage of our time. I know that runs counter to what people think of when the consider sales and customer service, and it's something that I struggle with, because these pain-in-the-ass types actually need more help than the research groups that are brilliant, who are usually very respectful of our time and consult with us for help with decisions.

But, I was trying to help this guy, and thought we could get on the right track somehow. I actually learned that there was a Big Boss who was the actual decision-maker, and this guy was supposed to be doing all the ground work so Big Boss could come in and make the decision. But he still made me a reconsider when he canceled our first appointment in January. While I was 2 miles from getting there. After driving 45 minutes. So, I never rescheduled and attempted to cut him loose--I was hoping he would buy from a competitor and bog them down with his nonsensical idiocy. But, no, he Emailed me again a month later. We set up another appointment for last Wed.

This time, I was smart. I called before I left, and he canceled again! I've only had 3 canceled appointments in the last 5 years, and 2 of them from this bozo! But I charitably (see, bad attitude from me, huh?) let him reschedule for 11:00 this past Wed., aka "Haiku Day".

I pull in about half an hour early to his location, scribble my lines about him (cleansing myself of bad feelings) and realize that I'm going to have to lug 200 lbs of stuff about 3/4 mile to his office in a building on the complex. At 10:59, my cell phone rings (I knew immediately it was Engineer Boy without looking):

"Hello"

"Hello, is this Mike?"

"Yes."

"We had an appointment for 11:00 today."

"Yes, I am standing right outside your building." I keep rolling my cart.

"Where are you?"

"I'm coming through the door to your building right now."

"Oh, I thought you were going to be late."

"No, I'm right here."

I'm going around the corner to his office. I look up and see a guy on a cell phone looking the other direction.

"I'm right behind you right now."

"Oh, I see you right now coming." He is still talking into the cell phone even though I'm standing 15 feet from him, his hamster-sized engineer brain calculating the overall energy expenditure to speak into the cell phone amplified vs. speaking in a normal voice.

I'm starting to get set up, and unfortunately I realize that I didn't get all the information I needed, and that this guy's budget is not enough to do what he wants. He brings in the Big Boss and starts spewing out technical jargon about what type of equipment he thinks they need.

I hate jargon. I rarely use it, because it feels like very unspecific communication. Big Boss is standing there.

"Put 'em in or put 'em out." That's advice that I got from my original sales manager. It's ugly advice, because it really means to make a bold statement and see if they agree or disagree. When you think you are going to lose the business, this is a good technique to use--otherwise, you can pine away wondering what they are thinking. It takes some guts.

So--I gave Engineer Boy a Jargon Smackdown (even though I don't like it, I CAN use it if I need to). Then I add "I appreciate that you are so enthusiastic about learning this equipment, but..." Although not nice, it was overdue and it also got Big Boss' attention. He committed to buying equipment at double the price if it works as described (which, of course, it does). So I guess I put 'em in.

At the end of the meeting, Big Boss asks for a business card, so I fished a random business card out of my planner... Wouldn't THAT have been funny? Thankfully, this time, I was spared from fate's fickle humor.

Engineer-boy, if you happen to be reading, please have someone explain it to you.