Up with People

I really like to compliment people. It is a game to me sometimes to come up with a good and true compliment for a friend or even a stranger.

Here's how I got started:

I was 22 years old and pretty self-conscious. All growing up, I was extremely shy and found it hard to leave my comfort zone to initiate conversations with others (some people find this hard to believe now). I always had friends, but I never could figure out exactly how I had made friends with them (except for my best buddy, Gar, but that's a story for another day).

After some financial setbacks, I took some classes at community college while working my way out of poverty. One of these classes was a Public Speaking class that met on Saturdays. When I showed up, I was amazed--43 women and 3 guys! It was pretty unbelievable.

There's something that happens when the girl/guy ratio gets this out of whack: the woman act like the guys aren't there, and talk freely. This can be a terrifying experience! Also: educational, and not always in a good way.

But I noticed something on the first day of class--an older, black woman, the only non-white person in our class in suburban North Dallas, seemed a little out of place and nervous. We all had to get up and deliver an introductory speech, and I detected a slight quiver in her voice, although she said a couple of self-deprecating jokes, which seemed out of place in my mind--I thought an older woman would be confident in front of everyone, and it stuck with me.

During the break in the class, I was overwhelmingly compelled to speak to this woman. I left my comfort zone and approached her very timidly. The funny thing is that I can remember doing it but I can't remember exactly what I said, or even what her name was, but I really just wanted more than anything for her to feel comfortable in the class.

I think I said "You know, I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were really funny when you did your talk earlier--I got a real kick out of you."

It was January--very cold and gray outside. She was smoking a cigarette--she looked up and smiled very broadly. Someone else sitting nearby also said something nice to her.

That was really it. I didn't really interact with her very much. I did my speeches on the constitutionality of burning the American Flag, and how to pack for a hiking trip. The teacher pretty much sucked and was winging it. It was hard to get to class on Saturday AM. One of the other guys dropped the class and I was educated in the workings of the female mind beyond anything I could have hoped for. I noticed that the woman that I spoke to got into the class and even had made several friends among the other women there.

At the end of April, we had a "good bye" speech. I had already given mine. The woman that I spoke to got up to talk, and this is what she said:

"... I would like to mention something that happened back on the first day of class. When I got to class and realized that I was the only black person, I made the assumption that I wouldn't fit in very well with this class--that I had little in common with everyone else. I planned to sit through the first break and quietly slip away when we came back to class.

I want everyone to know that Mike in our class came up to me and said a few kind words to me--in another 5 minutes I would have been gone. It gave me the encouragement and courage to get back into class and give everyone a chance. I learned a lot about myself because of this. I wouldn't have missed this class for anything, and I am just so glad that he came to me when he did. It made all the difference.

I made some friends in this class that I really like, and I feel that the way that I view the world has changed a little because of it. And I just wanted to take the opportunity to say 'Thank You, Mike'". The class gasped. Then they broke out in applause. It was an emotional moment.

I'm sitting here writing this and feel silly because tears still come to my eyes to think of hearing those words--I was stunned. Tears also came to my eyes when she delivered that speech, and I was really happy that I went out of my way and acted on my feelings of empathy--it is more about justifying this effort and encouraging others to do the same thing--I know, it is hard . I'm not relating this story to brag about how wonderful a person I am--it is still very hard for me to do it, but the memory of how much this meant to her is still encouraging over ten years later.

I go out of my way to sincerely compliment people any chance I get. Sometimes maybe I even sound gushy and unfortunately perhaps disingenuous. But, overall I hope it makes a difference to someone else like it did in that group. I am willing to humble myself to lift someone else up.