How Are We Feeling Today?

After 1 good night of rest this week, here's what I'm thinking:

If you aren't digging my blog, please stop reading. I'm retooling my brain for some more entries, but today I have to give a speech.

At first it was 15 people; today it ends up being, like, 50 people, and I usually hate public speaking.

One time, I was in this group of guys and someone suggested we take turns addressing the group each week. There were 20 guys and 12 weeks or so. My mental calculator told me I still had a chance of getting out of it, so I got up, left, and didn't come back until I was comfortable that all the weeks were filled. Why? I guess I don't know--I didn't want the scrutiny tha comes with presenting a topic publically to a group of people that I like, but don't really know THAT well.

I've had to give best man speeches at weddings. I did okay, but I hated them. I felt like a lounge act trying to entertain an emboldened room of drunks. Do you prepare everything ahead of time? I'm damn sure not reading anything from a paper. Do you just respond to the group? Be funny? Edgy? Witty? A little naughty? A lot?

Anyway, I did a very nice outline and presentation for today, but kinda wish I had done a Power Point of everything. The bad thing is that there are a couple of Power Point Maniacs in our group that somehow have a 3D alien coming out of the screen or something, with custom animations of the Cirque du Soliel flipping across the screen revealing their topic points. I find myself mesmerized and clapping, child-like, at the pretty colors. How do you top that?

So, Yoda-Nicole thought she would challenge me by asking if I felt differently about my blogging in the AM after yesterday's sleepless tirade. Insert Yoda voice here: "Um, perhaps you change mind when you piss everyone off, eh?" Or maybe that's one of the Canadian guys from "Strange Brew"?

I know some of my friends read and enjoy it. I haven't had too much negative stuff said. Don refuses to comment anymore because he thinks I made fun of him when he did. Most people just send me Emails telling me they enjoyed one thing or another...

Let me summarize: I'm trying to be real. If you want to know the real me, read on, baby. If you are shocked when it's not what you expected, call me out or stop reading. I would prefer it you just stop reading, because I don't want to be defensive about my writing. It's an outlet, and I keep feeling myself hold back what I really want to say because I fear the reader's reaction. Weird, huh? Maybe that says something bad about me, like my personality is so based on empathy that I self-destruct without having someone's emotions to react to?

Whatever it is, I'm trying to free myself of that and move on...