Are we still friends?

When people are asked: What is the best advice you've ever received?, their responses typically go in one of 2 directions: 1) This is a dumb question, and the answer may seem very trivial written down, so it is very tempting to copy exactly what you've seen on a fortune cookie somewhere. Or something else trivial that doesn't give insight to your true failings which require advice. 2) The 2nd type of response is a contrived Confucious-type (or maybe I'm just craving some Kung Pao chicken right now?) zen meditation that is designed to make the teller appear as deep as possible, something like "Stop and smell the roses.", which kinda means something but really isn't advice. In my opinion, Real advice/real instructions for life can't be summarized into a tag line.

I've gotten great advice from people all around me, but they usually give it without trying--I've got my eyes open and my memory recording and my imagination rolling and my interpretive yet non-judgemental (really) attitude pointed in their direction.

I've seen where people care way too much about their job just to come one day to the realization that the job doesn't care too much about them (thus saith Confuciuos). One false move and their legacy can get relegated to the corporate scrap heap where they've seen reputations get piled when they leave the company and someone has to come after them, spend a couple of days to figure out exactly what their interpretation of their responsibilities was, and all of a sudden, miraculously, life goes on at the company without them--the company actually survives! Okay, this paragraph is about me. I worked at a small business. I personally managed and grew that company from a 17-year old shithole that never made $1 to a multi-million dollar corporation that was operating at 30% margin. I grew it from 15 employees to 65. I won contracts and was the legal liaison and salesman and negotiator and resident bad-ass in general. I created an IT department. In the entry of our (shithole) building, there used to be a blank white wall. Actually, it was right by the microwave and there were chili stains, bloodstains, and a coffee splash pattern that could have entertained a CSI "splatter" investigator (but isn't that what I stands for in CSI?) for days. I repainted the wall and put up our corporate values. I thought that since I was the only dumb-ass working as hard and intelligently as I was that I was entitled to a job FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. When I would shake hands with strangers I would be tempted to introduce myself as the savior of this company. It was my identity.

After 5 years of growing each year, we reached the maximum margin that can be reached by improving efficiency. Our 5 year track record had enabled us to get funding, but we weren't getting any more until we posted a couple of years more worth of earnings. I stopped to take a breath and even took a vacation. While I was gone for the 2 weeks, the owner (who had every right to do this, BUT clearly was the genius behind the original chili-splattered condition and track record of the company before I got there) hired a "new guy" that, of course, was a complete prick and saw me as obstacle #1 in his rise to the top (no, I'm not delusional here). When I came back, he became my #1 obstacle in improving things. Against my wishes, we reinvested every solitary dollar rather than reserve cash for emergency expenses (I should have seen this coming, since "new guy" lived in a roach motel and didn't have a car, yet was making $$ decisions). He recruited my team members to his side by allocating new management positions for incompetent people, putting them in way over their head but stocking his "cabinet". I made political mistakes by publicly protesting these changes--I was the guy who wanted "to keep things as they were and resist change". I admit, I wasn't savvy enough to take "new guy" on the right way. Within 6 months, it was a standoff and clearly time for me to go. What an awakening to realize how expendable I was after sincerely putting everything I had into this job! I had uncerimoniously lost my identity and I went through a mourning period when I left.

Allow me to gloat a little: within 2 years, the company folded and reorganized. SCOREBOARD! Of course, "new guy's" take on it was "Well, the company was so unhealthy when I got there, I just wasn't able to salvage it..." By the way, I don't blame "new guy"--he was just an idiot that was enabled to work his shit-magic on the company, and the owner ultimately had to live with the consequences. I'm not (too) bitter, because it was ultimately actually a fantastic, healthy move for me and, as it turned out, a great lesson if I can learn from it.

If I just said "No one person is unexpendable", that would be the same trite advice that I've gotten before. But I've lived it. It was humiliating and depressing, and not a very fun story to tell. It was a wake-up call not to read your glowing reviews and get deluded that you have a guarantee. You kinda have to see how unfair it can be for it to really mean something. My life lesson learned: Be careful how you identify yourself with your private, interal voice. If your identity is gained from external sources, like my "Successful Executive" one was, then your identity is the house built on sand--it can be blown away by outside influences and you are left emotionally homeless.

Or it could mean: Don't ever take vacation (?)...

So on to the story where I receive the best advice ever...In grad school, I took a very intensive class on electron microscopy. An electron microscope makes high resolution images and, in those days, the photography part was quite complicated and was a major focus of the class. We were given a scavenger hunt list of about 20 things to photograph, and it would take weeks and weeks to get all of these items completed. Without getting too technical, you could actually physically damage your sample while working with it because you are blasting it with electrons.

Knowing this, our professor, Dr. A, gave us a crystal sample that is particularly sensitive to beam damage and it tends to shatter into beautiful shards while being photographed, which is a good indicator of your skill with the machine. We all used the same sample slide, so it is hard to find a field of view without some beam damage, especially if you aren't one of the first students to use it. In a competitive environment, I actually know someone who purposely went through blasting several fields so there would be a limited number of people who could get this specimen properly photographed (sick, huh? Same guy: left the photo chemical wells half-full and caused one girl to have half-developed pictures, which induced a hysteria which I was able to witness).

So, my buddy had taken the class before me, but was down at the microscope with me (they always put electron microscopes in the basement (dungeon) of the school because it dampens vibration and there are no windows because you don't want any stray light when you are photographing). As I was trying to find the proper field, he wanted to show me the effects of some changes in settings, so I got up and let him "drive" for about 5 minutes. He is a pushy SOB, so when he wanted to take a photo, I let him do it just so he would shut up and get out of the way.

Well, of course during this time, in walks Linda, the lesbian tech who runs the lab, and she gives me a glare. Bad advice previously received from Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice: "A gentleman is assumed to be upright and fair in all his dealings without explanation". Okay, that doesn't work these days. When my buddy is done with his control-freak playing around, I get back to work and spend another 3 hours on the instrument, finally getting the picture I need, etc.

Three days later, Linda confronts me angrily and tells me that she has reported me to Dr. A for academic dishonesty. I'm crushed. Dr. A is my advisor, a pretty gruff guy, and God knows what's going to happen.

Don't these people know everything I'm going through to be in school? Don't they realize that I'm living in a 2-room apartment, taking 15 hours of school plus labs, doing independent research, and working 45 hours per week? Don't they know I have to take a shift that makes me go in at 1:45 AM on Saturday and blows the rest of my weekend from exhaustion just so I can have a day off during the week for labs? Could they realize that I'm just taking my current courseload to gain practical knowledge and it's not part of a degree program? Could they know that I felt like there were people actually cheering for me to fail because my success highlights their self-doubt? I'm dead broke, too--can't they see that? Do they know that my family wanted me to quit college because it wasn't their plan for me? Does Linda know how much I look up to Dr. A? I'm 25--I don't know how to deal with this. I'm completely humiliated.

I go into Dr. A's office.

Me: I need to tell you something.
Dr. A : Okay. Go ahead.
Me: If I turn in some work with my name on it, it's going to be my work.
Dr. A : Okay, that's what I expect from you.
Me: Linda saw something and misinterpreted it. (tears coming to my eyes, probably from relief that he seems to be taking this well).
Dr. A: I'm not concerned about that. I'm more concerned with how you don't seem to be focused on what you're doing. (plus some corrective instruction that doesn't relate here).

So I'm broken up a little, and to me this was a pretty significant meeting. It told me that Dr. A gave me some benefit of the doubt. It also told me that some people have unexpected wisdom.

A week later, Dr. A: Are we still friends?

Now, here's the significance--Dr. A has been around. He's seen every ploy students try in order to endear themselves to the prof in order to obtain favoritism. He keeps things at arm's length. I'm still not sure how many kids he has, or where exactly he lives, or what his thoughts are on personal issues, and I've now known him for 10 years. This was a significant question coming from him. I think he thought I was offended by his advice after I got my part off my chest--not sure...

To analyze this question further: I appreciate the relationship I have with you, and I don't take it for granted. I've considered you an friend in the past and I want you to know that, even though we just had a situation, it doesn't affect the way I feel. Are you cool with that? It put the burden on me to object if I still have an issue. It disarms both sides and clears the air completely.

I swear I use either that exact phrase or a variation of it all the time now.

Easy example: After counseling employees, I say it word for word. Warning: don't try it unless you are prepared for the truth.

Last Friday: Someone was expecting me to work in their office for 4 hours on a project. I showed up knowing I couldn't do all the work they expected. I faced the music and broke the bad news. Then I asked "We're still friends, aren't we?" She laughed and said "of course!" Two minutes before that I thought she was going to take a contract out on me.

When I turned in my projects, I purposely turned in a photo of a beam-damaged sample even though I had (personally) taken a beautiful image of an intact crystal field. Knowing I was going to do this and lose some credit made me work extra hard to do a better job on every other image. I wanted there to be no question about the integrity of all of my work (some people might think this is foolish, but I am quietly proud of having the guts to do this--it was like giving Linda the middle finger).

I got an A.

And I saw Dr. A 3 weeks ago--we're still friends.