Still Here...

Yesterday I got into a car accident and found myself in an oddly lit meeting room. God and the Devil were waiting for me with my blog pulled up on a projector screen with several areas circled in red.

G: Thanks for coming. We're a little behind schedule here so let's just get into it. Got a little commentary on your blog so far...

Me: (switching from confused to flattered/hopeful) Really? What do you think?

G: That's right--I forgot that about you--always fishing for compliments, eh...?

D: Don't listen to him--people find that endearing--it makes you look vulnerable, like a little lost puppy that needs snuggling...

M: Don't know if that's exactly what I'm going for, here.

M: So, you had some feedback...

G: Well, to start with, maybe I'd be alright without your defense of me--I think I've been doing okay without your thoughts being made public...Maybe you could consult your 5-year old when it comes to the deeper philosophy--I sent him to you to keep you in line...

Me: Ow!

D: Come on, a little low-level dialog isn't too bad--get the conversation going, stir up a little confusion.

Me: Can I ask a quick question: What was the Tsunami thing all about anyway...?

D: Let's not get into that...we've got contractual obligations for a given number of Acts of God...

G: Well, it tests the faithful...like the dinosaur bones this bozo made me scatter...

D: We've had a 75% increase in agnosticism in the past 3 weeks alone...

G: Let's get back on track here...but seriously, that was probably the worst blog entry I've seen anytime, anywhere. What were you thinking?

G: By the way, maybe you don't realize that the Tennessee Hill dialect you mockingly refer to is actually the purest form of Anglicanized French since the Norman invasion. It's descendants have the lowest influx/output migration in history, and it is the closest resemblance to spoken Latin available. "Worsh", which you portray here (pointing to screen), is actually a direct conjugation of "whorshia", meaning "to vigorously clean".

D: Would it kill you to look something up every once in a while? I mean, really?

G: By the way, just write a check, you cheap bastard! Don't be a hypocrite!

G: And a picture somewhere would be nice...Geez!

Me: Well, I just wanted to get things down and started and then...

G: Cut it out--remember me? Omniscient? Hello? You have no intentions of going back.

D: And the "f-word" so many times? I mean, is that entirely necessary? Seriously, it's distracting.

G: What would your friends and family think if they saw THAT?

Me: I was just getting it out of my system...

G: Ahem!

Me: Alright, damn it, I'll cut it out.

G: This "lion's" entry has something, though. I like the imagery.

D: The "beer" part completely screws it up, though.

Me: You know, I went back and added that because I was trying to say that I'm kinda locked into a role...

G: yeah, yeah...

Me: (voice trailing off)...you know, in my new family...(mumbling)

Me: (renewed energy)You know what I'm saying, right?

G: yeah, yeah, get over it, already!

D: I thought that part never went just right. Did you ever try editing?

G: The "Are we still friends" made me think...I did like that "shit-magic" reference. It was kind of dry yet funny--I almost missed it. You know, I think if you thought about it a little more, you could come up with something else creative that says the same thing without using "shit".

D: I like it just the way it is...but you are a little too aware of the reader sometimes and it makes you sound a little neurotic. Come on, relax a little! But shit-magic was pure genius-did you make that up yourself? What is that, a kenning or something? I haven't seen that since Beowulf!

Me: I laughed to myself when I wrote it! I was there but I still laughed while writing about it.

G: That's kind of a bad sign...you may need some professional help.

G: I thought it was really deep that you used the conversation with your little boy as a symbolic representation of your voice with the audience, like you are trying to get thoughts out but they don't give you enough credit for being smart, and then you turn around and use that low expectation to suprise and amuse them and give them a nice, glowing feeling about having been gently brought into your consciousness and getting a warm feeling of humanity.

Me: Hmmmmm....I hadn't really thought about that to be honest with you--maybe that's reading too much into it-but I like the sound of it-does it hold together under scrutiny?

G: (eyes roll) What's with writing stuff about your family? I mean, come on, the oldest device in the book--really discourages criticism because it humanizes you and makes people think they are criticising sacred ground. Seriously, come on here...Besides, what's Fran going to think when she reads that? You make her sound like a real bitch!

D: Would it kill you to do just a little bit of research every once in a while? It would give you so much more credibility...

G: The math thing on the creativity seems a little arbitrary too (by the way, did you go back and add that? Why not a new entry?)--and couldn't you come up with some numbers that were funny or meaningful or both?

Me: Funny numbers?

G: And the pretty happy (not pretty, happy)--that was a direct ripoff from Hemingway's The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber, and even then it had to be explained to you after you had read it 3 times! You're really starting off on a bad foot here...And then you say "it was never pretty"--that point goes a different direction? Don't you proofread?! People are going to see right through that pretentious attitutude of yours.

Me: But overall am I going the right direction here? I know my voice is there but am I too negative and dry to entertain? Do I sound too much like Dave Barry? I couldn't take that...

G: Just keep going. You'll get to the quality stuff--this was just a checkpoint. Figure out if you're going to just pound out whiney-sounding snippets or if you can pull together something for a whole book. Now if you'll excuse us, we're late for the next one...

D: Don't take this too hard. Really, you are a bit sensitive and neurotic. But some of your stuff was hellafunny and creative!

Me: Wait! I've still got some questions!!! I need guidance!!! I 've never done this before!!!....

Fade to black.

Still here.