I am such a liar

I have this tendency to exaggerate. I really can't help it.

Not on job interviews or where it really matters. Seriously, I don't.

Here's an example:
I went to the store and it took me 20 minutes to find the freakin' bread department with the way they rearranged the aisles.
Truth: It was in the back and it took 2 minutes. Someone told me once that grocery stores scatter eggs, meat, milk, and bread strategically through the store to make you cover maximum distance while you're there. Something also about the music to make you spend more time and compulsively buy...Have you ever HEARD the music they play? gag.

Another example:
I've been working my ass off, but I got an order for $80,000 today.
Truth: I worked about as hard as I should--my job is weird. The order was for $77,825.23.

I know people whose words are like the instruction manual to a dishwasher--Exactly what you want to know. I once knew a person who wrote an entire book devoid of adjectives... But it said exactly what he wanted to say.

Do we all want to line up at mealtimes and just get a big squirt of vanilla pudding? Every meal?

There are some people that this REALLY bothers--my wife is one of them. I just can't help myself, though--I have a flair for the dramatic that is just inside. Do I need to pull my heart out and wring out all of the color? (see, that now looks extremely dramatic to me--but you don't think I really mean that I would literally do that, do you? if so, who is reading this to you?) I even tried correcting myself with the exact truth every single time. That lasted a very short time--I feel like it's an inside joke that I get and that anyone I know well enough gets it too. The truth is that my wife gets it--she's much smarter than I am, and it's not like I'm trying to fool her by hiding the truth. Who really gives a shit? But it seems to just completely lose my credibility and frustrate the hell out of her.

Come on, you really don't think I MEAN 20 minutes do you? Is this thing really THAT irritating? if you said "Okay, really how long did it take?" I would laugh and say "okay, 2 minutes, damn it!" I don't think it adds bonus points to my score or something. If I was really irritated with it, I may say "Wow, I bet a lobotomized monkey could find a loaf of bread in a store faster than that!"

I talk enough as it is--do I really need to say "I went to the store and why can't they just make freakin' aisles where everything is in some kind of extremely reasonable order. Although it took me only two minutes to find the bread section, it was extremely frustrating to me to have to search for such an inane thing. I think it's taking advantage of me a little to go get bread because once you convinced me to get bread you piled on 10 more things even though what the hell are you doing tomorrow anyway when I'm going to be driving for exactly 98 miles (I seriously wrote 100 miles here, but remembered that Waco is actually not EXACTLY 100 miles from where I live), teaching a class for 1.45 hours, visiting exactly 3 more people and then driving 98 miles back. You should really value the time that I spent going to the store to get this because I'm really tired from working my ass off at work today."

Wanna know how big the order is?